


space pirate's love song.

by porcelainsimplicity



Series: light up the dark. [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Modern: No Powers, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Endor Security, F/M, First Order is a Band, Jakku is an ultra fancy restaurant, Kylo Ren and Rey Are Not Related, Kylo Ren is an author, More tags to be added, Remember BB-8 is a therapist, Remember C-3PO is a guitar, Remember R2-D2 is a guitar, Resistance Bar and Grille, Starfighter Café, Takodana Cantina, Tatooine Books, This got dark sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-27
Updated: 2016-05-02
Packaged: 2018-05-16 12:03:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 28,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5827846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/porcelainsimplicity/pseuds/porcelainsimplicity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kylo Ren has earned the right to start again with Rey, but that doesn't mean that everything immediately becomes fine.  There's a lot of trust to be rebuilt between them, and a lot of wounds that still need to heal.  Rey wants them to be equals in their relationship, but how is that possible when Kylo is one of the most famous men on the planet?  Media attention, former bandmates, financial issues, and family drama are around the corner.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. morning.

**Author's Note:**

> well, i said i'd take a break for a few days after the conclusion of start again, but here i am starting up the sequel already. i'm so inspired in this universe, so i'm just going to keep writing until i get it all out. 
> 
> hope you enjoy this one as much as you enjoyed the first.

if my heart is a spaceship  
then where is my captain  
if the space is a book  
is my story a chapter  
will the planets remember  
the sound of our laughter?  
saturn's rings and stars that sing  
a million years of light away  
away from here  
a sea of green  
the space within  
coming in, i'm coming in  
your face is clear  
elizaveta - _space pirate's love song_  


The alarm going off woke Kylo from his sleep, and he stretched languidly in his bed before opening his eyes to the new day. It was a momentous day, at least to him, because it was the one year anniversary of the day he'd quit First Order and come home to Manhattan, Kansas. One year of no longer being that asshole in the band that hated himself, but a year of figuring out who he really was and what he really wanted.

And he was lots of things. He was Kylo Ren. Soon-to-be published author. Former professional turned back amateur bass guitarist at the Takodana Cantina, performing every once and awhile with his uncle Luke. Frequent customer of Starfighter Café, and now good friend of its owner, Poe Dameron. Tolerated by certain people – Finn, for one – who still hadn't fully forgiven him. A proud member of the extended Skywalker family.

And most importantly, boyfriend of the incomparable, beautiful, wonderful, gorgeous Rey, who had somehow found it in herself to forgive him for all that he had done and give him a second chance.

“Mmgh is it morning?”

Kylo shifted onto his side and looked over at Rey, laughing as she tried to pull her pillow over her head. “You've got class to get to.”

“Fuck class,” Rey mumbled from under the pillow.

“It's with Luke.”

Rey laid there for a moment before throwing the pillow across the room. “Remind me why I thought taking Luke's eight-thirty class was a good idea?”

“Because you wanted to keep him as a professor not just an adviser and eight-thirty is the only time he teaches that particular course?”

Rey reached out and smacked Kylo on the shoulder. “I didn't mean actually remind me.”

“Come on,” Kylo said, grabbing Rey's hand and pressing a kiss to it. “Go take a shower. I'll make you some breakfast.”

Rey groaned again. “Luke's going to know I stayed over again.”

“So what?”

“So he thinks we're having sex,” Rey said, flipping over onto her back. 

“Is there a problem with that?” Kylo asked, throwing back the bedcovers and climbing out of bed.

Rey just glared at him. “We're not having sex.”

“Yet.”

“Yet,” Rey added. “But he thinks we are.”

“Rey,” Kylo said, reaching for an old t-shirt and putting it on. “Who cares what Luke thinks? I'm sure lots of people think that. I know Finn thinks that.”

“Finn's an idiot. I keep telling him we're not,” Rey said, leaning up on her elbows. “I don't like people thinking things about me that aren't true. Therefore, people thinking we're having sex is an issue for me.”

“Well, we always could have sex and then they wouldn't be wrong,” Kylo said, laughing immediately when a pillow hit him in the head. “Just pointing out an option.”

“I'm not ready for that yet.”

“And I'm not pushing you for it, am I?” Kylo smiled when Rey shook her head. “Good, we're on the same page then. Now come on, shower or you're really going to be late.”

Rey groaned as Kylo walked out of the bedroom and into his small kitchen, quickly getting eggs out of the refrigerator and finding a pan to fry them in. He heard the shower start a few minutes later, and by the time he was done with the eggs and toast, Rey was walking into the room with her hair pulled back in her trademark three bun style and in a hoodie and what he suspected was a pair of his jeans. 

Kylo slid two of the eggs and a piece of toast onto a plate and handed it to her. “You look like the quintessential college student right now, you know that?”

“Oh shut up, rockstar,” Rey said, grabbing a fork off the counter and heading towards the sofa. “So are we going to the Cantina tonight?”

“I was thinking we might stay in, actually,” Kylo said, picking up his own fork. “Movie marathon and some Call Hall ice cream or something.”

Rey looked over at Kylo with a confused look on her face. “It's Tuesday. Tuesday nights are date nights.”

“I know,” Kylo said, taking a deep breath. “Unnecessary attention will be paid to me if we go to the Cantina tonight.”

Rey's eyes narrowed. “What aren't you telling me?”

“Remember how I told you that Phasma put out that ridiculous book of poetry that Grandpa called utter trash?”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“She's the special guest of some poetry workshop at the university today,” Kylo eventually said. “I'm certain that Hux came with her because apparently they are inseparable now that they've started fucking, and there's only one place Hux is going to want to go tonight and that's the Cantina.”

“Kylo,” Rey said, polishing off her eggs and standing up. “We've got to go to the Cantina now. We can't let Hux and Phasma destroy Maz's place.”

“I knew you were going to say that,” Kylo sighed. “That's why I wasn't going to tell you they were here.”

Rey came and put her plate in the sink before wrapping her arms around Kylo's waist. “When did Hux call?”

“A week ago,” Kylo admitted. “I told him I didn't want to see them.”

“Well, too bad,” Rey said, leaning in for a kiss. “We're going.”

Kylo set his plate down as Rey moved out of the kitchen and towards her bag and books. “You know that's just going to mean more attention on you in the media, right?”

“I've gotten used to it,” Rey said.

“That's bullshit,” Kylo returned. “You hate it.”

Rey finished putting her books in her bag and zipped it up. “Okay, so I do hate it. But you are a famous man, rockstar, and I am your girlfriend, which naturally disappoints a large proportion of the teenage and young adult female population of this world. I hate it, but I'm getting used to it. I just don't understand why the paparazzi seems to think they still need to take pictures of you.”

“Because I'm the enigmatic rockstar who left it all behind me to live in a small town in Kansas,” Kylo said. “They find me fascinating for some reason, and it's only going to ramp up again once the book is published.”

“I still say you should publish under a pseudonym,” Rey said, standing up and slinging her bag over her shoulder. “But you want your fans to know you're still alive, so you're not.”

“I already live under a pseudonym,” Kylo pointed out. “I see no reason to have another one.”

Rey walked back into the kitchen and gave Kylo another kiss. “We're going to the Cantina tonight.”

“Fine,” Kylo said as she walked towards the door. “But I'm telling you now, we're going to have to spend the evening with Hux and Phasma.”

“I'm willing to do that if it means Maz's Cantina remains intact,” Rey said, opening up the door. “I'll see you after work!”

“Love you,” Kylo called out.

“Love you too!” Rey called back, and it brought a smile to Kylo's face.

He would never tire of hearing Rey say those words to him.


	2. cantina.

“Kylo Ren! You lousy son of a bitch! How the hell are you?”

Kylo ignored the fact that everyone around them had turned to look in their direction and forced a smile onto his face. “Hux, Phasma. This is Rey.”

“Ah yes, I remember you,” Hux said, stepping forward and taking Rey's hand, bringing it up for a kiss. “We had quite the dance that night.”

“I remember,” Rey said, pulling her hand from Hux's grasp and moving closer to Kylo. “It's nice to see you again.”

Kylo wrapped an arm around Rey's waist and made sure Hux saw it. “Hello, Phasma.”

“Kylo,” Phasma said, walking up behind Hux and nipping him behind the ear. “Come sit down, General.”

“As you wish, Captain,” Hux said, grinning at her. “You two are joining us, right?”

“Wouldn't have it any other way,” Kylo said, ignoring the flashes from cell phone cameras.

He led Rey over to the table and they sat down across from Hux and Phasma, and before Kylo could even say anything, a bottle of his favorite bourbon and one of Rey's favorite drinks were set down in front of them. Kylo looked over towards the bar and saw Chewie nod at him, and it made him laugh. 

Of course Chewie knew they were going to be joining Hux and Phasma. Of course he did.

“So who are you?” Phasma asked, looking over at Rey. “I mean, I know that you're Rey, but that doesn't tell me who you are.”

“Oh, she's _the girl_ ,” Hux said emphatically. “You know, the one Kylo moped about the whole time he was in the band. I'm actually surprised you got her back, man. Of course, some people will do anything to fuck a rockstar, so...”

Kylo went to react but Rey did first, reaching across the table and smacking Hux across the face. “Don't you ever say anything like that about me again. Are we clear, General Hux?”

Hux rubbed the side of his face before nodding. “Yes ma'am,” he murmured before looking over at Kylo. “Do you see now why I wanted to take her home that night?”

“Hux,” Kylo warned. 

“Alright, alright, enough about the girl,” Hux said, reaching for his drink. “So what the fuck are you up to, Ren? I've been hearing rumors of a book?”

“Yes,” Kylo said, pouring himself a shot of bourbon. “I wrote a book. It's being published.”

“That's fascinating,” Phasma said, knocking back a shot. “What kind of book?”

“It's a fantasy, actually,” Kylo said, knocking back his shot as Hux started to laugh. “Not that kind of fantasy, Hux. It's like a space opera. It's the first in a series.”

“A space opera? Are you going Broadway on us now?” Hux asked.

Kylo laughed. “More like a soap opera than an actual opera, Hux. There's no music in it at all.”

“Good, because your contract says you can't be competition to us,” Phasma said, leaning back in her chair. “Snoke had the lawyers look through it to see if we could sue you when you quit.”

“Of course he did.” Kylo just shook his head and knocked back another shot. “I have no desire to ever be competition for First Order, so don't worry about that.”

“I'm not,” Hux said, waving his empty bottle in the direction of the bar. “I'm worried about you becoming more famous than First Order. Leaving your old bandmates behind. Phasma and I will be out of work and you'll be on a fucking book tour.”

Kylo laughed. “You're the biggest band in the world. That kid you got to replace me is great. Saying he's another of the Knights of Ren worked great. There's no way my stupid book is going to make me more famous than First Order.”

“Don't call it stupid,” Rey admonished. “Be proud of it.”

Phasma chuckled. “Oh she's wonderful.”

“Shut up,” Kylo said, knocking back another shot. “How was your poetry workshop?”

“They weren't on my level,” Phasma said, leaning back as another bottle of Hux's drink of choice arrived. “None of them understood the depth of my emotions.”

Kylo bit his tongue to keep from laughing out loud. Rey squeezed his hand underneath the table and he let out a deep breath, reaching for his glass again. “I'm sorry about that, Phasma. Poetry is a tricky subject, especially for English majors.”

“What the hell was your major, by the way?” Hux asked. “I know you were Professor Solo and everything, but what the hell was your subject?”

“Why do you care?” Kylo asked. “It doesn't mean anything. I'm not Professor Solo anymore.”

“Medieval literature,” came the voice of a girl to Hux's left. “He was my medieval literature professor.”

Hux burst out laughing as Kylo looked over to see who said that, but none of the girls at the table next to them were looking their way. “Rey, did you see who said that?”

“No,” Rey said, shaking her head. “Obviously someone who is upset about their grade.”

“More like upset he didn't bend me over his desk in his office,” came the voice again, and this time Rey stood up.

“Rey,” Kylo said, but Rey walked over to the table next to them, leaned down and said something to a redhead in a very low voice. 

When she was done, Rey came back to the table, and the redhead took one look at the table before standing up and stalking away. Kylo watched, half in awe, and leaned over to her. “What did you say to her?”

Rey coughed and took a large sip of her drink before leaning over to Kylo and whispering. “I told her you didn't do that to her because you were too busy doing that with me, and to get the fuck away from my boyfriend.”

Kylo groaned and started laughing. “You didn't?”

“I did,” Rey said, leaning back in her seat and staring at Hux. “So, Hux, when's the new album coming out?”

“Wait, I want to know what you said,” Hux exclaimed. “It had to be good to get her to leave.”

“A lady never tells,” Rey said, kicking Hux's leg under the table when he rubbed his foot against her ankle. “General, you are on your last warning.”

“She's fiesty,” Phasma pointed out. “Much better than those vapid girls that were always at your apartment.”

Rey glanced over at Kylo, and Kylo shook his head. “I never dated any of them. They were just sort of around.”

Rey laughed. “You're lucky you told me everything.”

“Oh I doubt he's told you everything,” Hux said, laughing. “There's plenty that I'm sure he doesn't even remember.”

“If Hux says it, don't believe it,” Kylo said, making Phasma laugh. “He's a notorious liar.”

“I learned that during our dance,” Rey said. “He told me his name was Alex and that he was in my physics class.”

Phasma and Kylo both laughed, while Hux gave her a confused look. “I did?”

“Yep,” Rey said. “And when I told you I didn't take physics, you said 'oh, I meant history.' I only danced with you because I was trying to make Kylo jealous. I knew who you were the whole time.”

“Huh,” Hux said, leaning over towards Phasma. “I didn't lure you with any of that bullshit, did I?”

Phasma laughed. “I already knew your bullshit, so you didn't have to.”

Kylo rolled his eyes when Hux and Phasma started to kiss, turning to Rey and leaning in close. “I think we can probably get them out of here and back to the hotel.”

“How?” Rey asked, averting her eyes when she saw Hux's tongue. “They're disgusting.”

“I know,” Kylo whispered, sitting back up. “Can you two get a room, please?”

“We already have one,” Phasma mumbled as Hux's lips went down her neck. “But I suppose we could go to it.”

“Would you please?” Kylo asked. “He looks like he's drunk enough to start taking off his clothes, and I think we all would appreciate that not happening in public.”

“Fuck you, Ren!” Hux called out. “I remember Venice!”

“Venice was a private party,” Kylo said firmly. “There weren't cameras everywhere like there are in here. You want your naked ass on the internet tomorrow? Go right ahead. Rey and I are leaving.”

“Come on, General,” Phasma said, tapping him on the back. “He's right. Too many cameras.”

Hux sat up and grabbed his new bottle, standing up and reaching for Phasma's hand. “Last time I was here, you stuck me with the bill, so tonight's on you, Ren! Don't stay in touch.”

Kylo and Rey watched as they stumbled towards the exit, everyone's eyes and cell phones trained on them. Kylo took a deep breath and leaned over to Rey, pressing a kiss to the side of her head. “I am so sorry about tonight. I will totally make it up to you next Tuesday.”

“How?”

“Dinner at Jakku.”

Rey turned to look at him, her eyes lighting up. “Jakku? That's the fanciest restaurant in town.”

“I know,” Kylo said. “We should go every once and awhile. Get all dressed up and stuff.”

Rey's gaze fell slightly. “I'm not sure I own something good enough to wear to Jakku.”

“Then go buy something to wear. My treat.”

“Kylo...”

“One dress, Rey. I can't even buy you one dress? Not even for dinner at Jakku?”

Rey sighed heavily. “Alright. One dress.”

Kylo grinned. “Then I will make sure we have a table at Jakku next Tuesday.”

“Are your ridiculous friends gone?”

They turned to see Maz standing at the edge of the table, adjusting her big glasses. “Yeah, Maz,” Kylo said. “I'm sorry that they were here again. Hopefully this is the last time.”

“You said that the last time,” Maz said, reaching out and grabbing some empty glasses. “I take it you're going to deal with the bill? They didn't pay it.”

“Yes,” Kylo said, standing up. “Here, let us help you get this all back to the bar.”

“Nonsense!” Maz said, shaking her head. “You just go pay Chewie for the bill, I'll take care of the table. And take that bottle of bourbon home, boy. I can't sell that stuff to anyone but you and Old Ben, and he hasn't been in in awhile.”

“Yes, Maz,” Kylo said, reaching into his pocket for his wallet. “You still got time for me and Luke on Saturday?”

“Have had you penciled in for weeks,” Maz said as she started to walk away. “I'll always have time for the two best musicians in Manhattan.”

Rey finished her drink and stood up, reaching for her purse. “Let me give you some money for my drink.”

“Date night,” Kylo said. “I'm allowed to pay for everything on date night.”

“Yeah, but you've got to pay for all of their stuff too, so I just thought...”

Kylo turned to Rey and gave her a brief kiss. “Do you remember the time when I showed you my financial status? All of those numbers in all of those accounts? I think I can cover their drinks and yours.”

Rey sighed. “I just want us to be equals, Kylo.”

“We are equals in every way but that one,” Kylo said. “And there's nothing I can do about the amount of money I have, and since you won't let me give you any of it, there's nothing I can do to make us equal that way.”

“And I never will be equal to you in that respect unless I suddenly run off and join a band that turns into the most successful band in the world,” Rey said, sighing. “It's going to take me awhile to be okay with that.”

“I know,” Kylo said, kissing her again. “But someday this won't be an issue anymore.”

Rey chuckled. “And how is that possible?”

“Well, you'll have a gorgeous diamond ring on your finger and everything that is mine will also legally be yours.”

Rey sighed. “Kylo.”

“Long way away. I know. I won't bring it up again.”

Rey smiled as Kylo wrapped an arm around her shoulders and started to walk them towards the bar. “Thank you."

"For what?"

"Not bringing it up again."

Kylo just nodded, unsure of what to say. Did Rey mean she was glad they weren't going to talk about it now, or did she mean she didn't want to talk about it at all?

He forced himself to take a deep breath. It was way too early to worry about such things.


	3. dresses.

Rey wandered through the store, looking at all the dresses on offer. “None of these are things that I would wear to Jakku.”

She felt a hand on her shoulder and turned to see Padmé smiling at her. “Rey, darling, that's because you wouldn't allow yourself to wear any of these beautiful dresses. You've got to let go of that.”

“Mom's right,” added Leia, walking up to them with a dark green floor length dress. “At least try this one on. Just for me. It's so gorgeous.”

Rey reached out and took the dress from Leia, looking at its structure and delicate beading. “I would look like an idiot in this.”

“Have you ever dressed up like this before?” Padmé asked. “Because something tells me you haven't.”

Rey sighed and lowered the dress. “Of course I haven't. My father was a mechanic, my mother was a secretary. We barely had money for rent and food, let alone fancy dresses to wear once.”

“Once?” Leia just shook her head. “Oh, Rey, darling, you've got to think long term here. You're not going to be wearing this dress only once. Do you really think you'd never need it again?”

Rey looked over at Leia before shaking her head. “I am going to be a complete fish out of water at Jakku. Jessika told me there are things on the menu that I will never have heard of, there isn't a cheeseburger in sight, and I don't do fancy things well.”

“You do fancy things just fine.” Padmé took Rey by the elbow and started leading her towards the fitting rooms. “Rey, you should be buying a collection of dresses. Kylo is going to be invited to all sorts of things once this book is published, and since the film rights are already being optioned around, that means there's going to be all sorts of red carpet opportunities. You need dresses like this for when you accompany him. It's not just for Jakku.”

Rey paused at the fitting rooms and glanced at the price of the dress. “This is way too expensive.”

“You're not paying for it,” Leia reminded her. “Besides, Mom's right. You should be buying several of these.”

“I agreed to let Kylo buy me a dress. One. Not several.”

“He wouldn't mind, Rey,” Leia said. “In fact, he told me to make sure you got whatever you wanted while we were out shopping.”

“Excuse me,” Padmé called out, getting an attendant's attention. “We need a fitting room for Rey please.”

“Of course,” the attendant said. “Follow me please.”

Padmé and Leia both gave Rey encouraging looks, so she followed the attendant to the fitting room and forced a smile when she asked if Rey was spelled with an A or an E. Once the attendant had scribbled her name across the whiteboard on the front of the door, Rey slipped inside and stared at the dress in her hands once more. She shook her head as she toed her shoes off, then slowly got undressed and put the dress on. 

Leia had impeccable taste. The dress fit every curve of Rey's body in just the right way, and the color matched her skin tone perfectly. Rey let her hands drift over the dress a few times, in awe of how it seemed to fit as though it were made for her, and then walked out of the dressing room and back to where Padmé and Leia were standing. “Well, what do you think?”

Padmé took one look at her and a brilliant smile crossed her face. “You look beautiful, Rey.”

Leia put a hand to her mouth and let out a little squeal of happiness. “Oh, you look so gorgeous, Rey. Really.”

Rey turned to face the full length mirror in front of them, and she forced herself to really study her appearance. “I don't know.”

“Rey, that dress fits you like a glove,” Leia said. “What don't you know?”

“I shouldn't be spending so much of Kylo's money,” Rey said after a moment. “I shouldn't be spending any of Kylo's money.”

Leia walked towards Rey and put her hands on either shoulder, squeezing gently. “Rey, I know that the money is a big issue with the two of you, but sometimes, there is something to be said for letting your man spoil you rotten.”

“Has Han ever done that?” Rey asked quietly.

Leia laughed. “Honey, you should see my jewelry collection. Every time he goes off on one of his adventures, he comes back with something spectacular. In fact, I have just the set of emeralds that would go perfectly with this dress. You can borrow them if you like.”

Rey let herself smile. “Emeralds? Really?”

Leia nodded. “You should try on more dresses though. Can't be sure this is the right one till you've tried on every dress in the store.”

Rey shook her head. “No, I'm not doing that.”

“It's an expression, Rey,” Padmé added. “I think Leia is right, you know. That dress with her emeralds and your hair done up real nice. Kylo won't know what hit him when he sees you.”

“I have no idea how to put my hair up other than the way it is now,” Rey said. “And I certainly don't have money to go have it styled just for a date.”

“Kylo does,” Padmé pointed out. “But if you're uncomfortable with that, then come get ready at my house. I'll fix your hair in a beautiful updo.”

Rey took a deep breath and turned around. “Okay, I'm willing to mark this one down as a possibility. But Leia's right, I can't know this is the one till I try on more, so since I have absolutely no style whatsoever, why don't you two go pick out some more for me to try on?”

Leia grinned. “That's my girl.”

Rey turned back to the mirror as Padmé and Leia walked back towards the racks, and soon she heard a low whistle. Turning, she saw Finn and Poe standing there beaming at her. “Oh my God, what are you two doing here?”

“I am looking for Jessika's birthday present,” Finn said. “Poe is tagging along because he swears he knows more about what to buy women for their birthday than I do.”

Rey's eyes went from Finn's face to where he was holding a selection of lingerie. “I can tell what sort of celebration you're planning.”

Finn quickly hid the lingerie behind his back. “That's not the entire gift. I just haven't found the rest of it yet. Why are you so dressed up?”

“Kylo's taking her to Jakku,” Poe said, drawing Rey's attention to him. “He asked me to make sure you didn't have to work that day so you didn't feel rushed in getting ready.”

“Of course he did,” Rey sighed, turning towards them. “Okay, seriously. I look like a complete idiot, right?”

“Rey, of course not,” Finn said, walking closer to her. “You look beautiful.”

“Stunning, actually,” Poe said, smiling at her. “It's a great dress.”

“That's what we've been telling her,” came Leia's voice, and Rey turned to see her walking towards them with a handful of dresses. 

“Leia, I said one.”

“You need to try on more than that,” Leia said, handing the dresses off to Rey. “Now go on. Let's see another one.”

Rey looked at the dresses in her hands before shifting her gaze to her friends. “You two want to stick around and watch me play dress up like I'm Kylo's Barbie doll?”

“Don't think of it that way,” Padmé said as she approached, handing even more dresses over to Rey. “You know that's not what this is about. He just wants you to have appropriate clothing for certain events.”

“Well, it certainly feels like I'm a dress up doll right now,” Rey said, turning and walking back towards the fitting room. 

“She's cranky,” Finn said, sighing. “This money thing is an issue that is not going away any time soon.”

“She's really going to hate what he's got planned for after Jakku then,” Poe said, sticking his hands into his pockets.

“Oh yes, he's told me about that,” Leia said, shaking her head. “I hope she realizes the good intentions in it.”

“What are you talking about?” Finn asked, confused. 

“I'm afraid Kylo's sworn me to secrecy,” Poe said. “Especially when it comes to telling you, because you'll just go tell her.”

“Whatever it is, I'm sure Rey will like it,” Padmé said, looking over at Finn. “Unlike the woman you are buying that stuff for. What on earth do you think she'd like that for?”

Finn quickly cleared his throat and thrust the lingerie back behind his back. “I'm just shopping for my girlfriend's birthday.”

Padmé and Leia exchanged a look before Leia walked forward and took Finn by the hand. “Come on. I'll help you pick out something that won't anger your girlfriend.”

“Excuse me? Poe helped me pick this stuff out. He said she'd love it.”

Leia looked over at Poe and shook her head. “No wonder you can't get a relationship to last more than a few months. You have no idea what to buy a woman.”

Poe just shrugged as Leia led Finn away. “I was just trying to help.”

“Well, you can help me convince Rey that she looks gorgeous in these dresses,” Padmé said, hooking her hand around Poe's elbow. “And maybe we can talk about how you can get a woman to stick around for awhile longer.”

“Mrs. Skywalker, I appreciate it but...”

“But nothing, Mr. Dameron. We consider you family, you know. We want you to be happy too.” Padmé glanced over towards Rey's fitting room. “We'll just have a nice conversation while we wait for Rey to change clothes.”

“Yes, Mrs. Skywalker. Of course.”


	4. photographers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please don't kill me.

Before Kylo could ring the doorbell, the door to the house flew open and Finn came stalking out of it. “Hello Finn.”

“Listen to me, and listen good,” Finn said, getting in Kylo's face. “You keep those fucking photographers away from her. You got that?”

Kylo immediately grew concerned. “What happened?”

“Is that Kylo?” came Rey's voice from inside the house, and Kylo could immediately tell she'd been crying. 

He dropped the flowers he was holding and ran past Finn into the house, finding Rey laying down on the sofa in the living room with Jessika by her side. There was blood running down the side of her face and Jessika was dabbing at it with a towel, and a large bag of frozen vegetables was resting on her right wrist. “What the fuck happened?”

“Photographers swarmed her after she got out of our biology class,” Jessika said as Kylo dropped to his knees next to her. “I tried to help her get to the car, but some of them got really insistent, and she got shoved down to the ground next to the car. A couple of the football players were nearby, got the photographers away while I got her up and in the car and I drove her home. I've tried to get her to go to the hospital but she's been insisting that she's staying here.”

“Fucking hell,” Kylo growled. “Go call an ambulance.”

“No, I don't need one,” Rey protested, but Jessika got up and left.

Kylo reached towards Rey's free hand, squeezing it lightly. “Are you alright, Rey?”

“I don't need a hospital,” Rey said strongly, but Kylo reached out and grabbed the towel Jessika had dropped, carefully dabbing at the head wound that was still bleeding. 

“You're going,” Kylo said firmly. “This head wound looks large.”

“I am rather woozy,” Rey admitted, sighing. “Tonight was supposed to be Jakku.”

“Jakku can wait.”

“I bought a dress.”

“The dress can wait.”

“I was supposed to go over to your grandmother's. She was going to do my hair.”

“Grandma will understand,” Kylo said, leaning forward and kissing Rey softly. “Please let me take care of you.”

Rey nodded slightly and grimaced. “What was it that hit the media today?”

Kylo shook his head. “I have no idea. I've been at Starfighter with Poe, I haven't heard anything.”

“They were after something,” Rey said. “More than they've ever been before.”

“I'll find out,” Kylo said, squeezing Rey's hand again. “And I'm finding out the names of those photographers so we can sue them. I'll make damn sure this never happens to you again.”

“No one is suing anyone. And I don't think you can do that,” Rey said, groaning when she heard the sirens approaching. “Did you really have to call for an ambulance?”

“You're not supposed to move people with head injuries,” Kylo said seriously. “You've already been moved enough.”

“They're here!” Finn called out, and Kylo leaned forward and kissed Rey again. 

“I promise you, I'll find out what happened. Now let the paramedics do their jobs.”

“Alright.”

Kylo stood up as paramedics came into the room, moving away from Rey as they approached her. He watched as she was treated before being loaded onto a stretcher, then followed it out of the house. No one said anything when he climbed into the ambulance with her, Finn and Jessika yelling out that they'd follow in a car. Rey's eyes darted around the ambulance as it began to move, and she reached out with her good hand to grasp Kylo's, squeezing it lightly. 

“Kylo, whatever it is, don't overreact.”

“I can't promise you that,” Kylo said seriously, and then they were silent for the rest of the ride to the hospital. 

They ended up in a small room in the back of the emergency room, nurses and a doctor swarming around Rey while Kylo stood to the side. After he was sure that Rey was being taken care of, he pulled out his phone and started making phone calls. First was to his grandmother, then his mother, then Luke. Then he started going deep into his contact list – lawyers, publicist, old friends in New York – but no one had any idea what had provoked such attention on Rey. The publicist promised to call back the moment they found out, but it wasn't good enough for Kylo.

After watching Rey until she drifted off into a light sleep, he stepped outside of the room and dialed a number that he had hoped he'd never have to again.

“Yo.”

“Hux.”

“Ren! What the fuck's going on, man?”

“I was hoping you could tell me that,” Kylo said, anger creeping into his voice. “Rey was attacked by photographers today at her university. She's in the emergency room right now, and no one can tell me what the fuck is going on that caused it. So I was wondering if you had anything to say on the subject.”

Hux laughed. “It was just a silly little comment to Russian GQ, that's all.”

Kylo's grip on the phone tightened. “Explain. Now.”

“Chill out, Kylo.”

“Hux, my girlfriend is lying in a hospital bed with a head injury right now, and it's apparently all your fault, so start talking before I get on the next plane to where you are and beat it out of you.”

Hux sighed. “They wanted to know if we still talked to you. Phasma tried to say we didn't, but I said something about regularly meeting up with you so I could fuck your girlfriend because you liked to watch. I was drunk, and it was Russia, so it didn't really matter.”

Kylo looked around the hospital floor before stepping back into Rey's room. “You told a magazine that you and I regularly meet up so you can fuck my girlfriend because I like to watch, and you think it doesn't matter? I just want you to know that the only reason I am remaining calm at this moment is the fact that I'm in a hospital. When I get home tonight, I am calling you back and telling you what I really think of you, you lousy piece of shit.”

“Oh come on, Kylo. I didn't think that some stupid comment in Russia was going to make photographers attack her in Kansas,” Hux said casually. “You should really look into getting her some security or something.”

“She doesn't need fucking security!” Kylo practically yelled. “She needs you to not say completely fictitious shit that makes her tabloid fodder!”

“It was in Russia!” Hux yelled.

“Well now it's in Kansas!” Kylo yelled back, shaking his head when he saw Rey stir. “I swear to God, Hux, if I ever see you again, I'm going to break your fucking neck.”

“Kylo,” Rey said softly, and Kylo angrily hung up the phone and tossed it into a chair.

“I found out what happened.”

“Are you going to tell me?”

“I'm not sure I should.”

“I most likely have a broken wrist, and the nurse said I need stitches down the side of my face,” Rey said seriously. “Tell me what the hell happened.”

Kylo walked towards the bed and linked his fingers with Rey's. “Hux seems to think that if you say something in an interview in Russia, it won't make it back to Kansas. Let's just say he said something to Russian GQ and the photographers were clearly hired by people who picked up on it.”

“What did he say?” Rey asked, sighing when Kylo shook his head. “Tell me.”

“He claims he was drunk but that doesn't excuse it.”

Rey's voice grew hard. “Kylo.”

“They were asked if they kept in touch with me. He told the interviewer that he regularly meets up with us so he can fuck you because I like to watch.”

Rey seethed with anger. “The hell with suing the photographers. Can we sue him? That's got to be slander or libel or something.”

“I'll definitely be finding out,” Kylo said, leaning down to kiss Rey softly. “If I ever see him again, I'm going to kill him.”

“No, I will,” Rey said, groaning when she moved her head. “I suppose it's just a matter of time before that gets picked up by the American media?”

“Unfortunately,” Kylo said. “I'll be calling the publicist back. We'll put out a very strongly worded denial.”

“That won't matter,” Rey murmured. “Everyone's going to think that it's true.”

“I can't stop that from happening,” Kylo said softly. “I wish I could.”

Rey was silent for a moment. “I'm sorry.”

“What the hell are you sorry for?” Kylo asked, surprised. “You have absolutely nothing to be sorry about.”

“If I hadn't danced with Hux that night, maybe this would have never happened.”

“Rey,” Kylo said seriously. “This is not your fault. This is my fault.”

“How the hell is this your fault?”

“This wouldn't have happened if I wasn't Kylo fucking Ren.”

“Kylo, this isn't your fault. Please stop thinking that. For me.”

“I'll try to remember that.” 

Rey looked up at Kylo. “I wish there was some way I could hide until this dies down, but I know there isn't.”

“Well, I was going to save this for after dinner at Jakku, but I was thinking we should go away for Spring Break. Not to one of the college hot spots, but this beautiful place I found in the Seychelles.”

Rey stared at him for a moment. “You want to take me to the Seychelles for Spring Break. Absolutely not.”

“Rey.”

“Do you have any idea how expensive that sounds? I can't afford that. I'm already going to be out a ton of money for this hospital visit.”

“You're not paying for the hospital visit,” Kylo said firmly. “And you're not paying for the Seychelles either. Rey, it's the perfect place to go hide away. The paparazzi is illegal there. They cannot photograph us there. It'll just be you and me and a villa and a beach. No photographers.”

“My head hurts too much for this right now,” Rey said, pulling her hand away from Kylo's. “But you are not paying for everything. We have rules.”

“Yeah, well, I think we're allowed to break the rules for stuff like this,” Kylo said. “You're only here like this because of me.”

“This is not your fault,” Rey said again, looking up when another nurse entered the room. “We'll continue this discussion later.”

Kylo just nodded and moved out of the way. This was one argument he was not going to let himself lose.


	5. argument.

There were thirteen photographers in front of Kylo's apartment building, and he wanted to go outside and choke every single one of them to death with their camera straps. 

Instead, he picked up his phone and called the local police. Again.

After a brief discussion with the police chief, Kylo decided he needed someone to help keep the photographers away. He'd hated having a bodyguard while he was in the band, but it was important to protect Rey, and since Rey had spent practically every moment with him since the accident with the photographers in the university parking lot, Kylo decided he needed a new one.

Where he was going to find a bodyguard in Manhattan, Kansas, he did not know. But he would.

Rey walked into the room, gently drying her hair with a towel, and came up behind Kylo at the window. “You're thinking so loudly that I could hear it across the room.”

“We need a bodyguard,” Kylo said softly. “It's the only option.”

“Kylo,” Rey said, wrapping her arms around his waist. “This is the middle of nowhere. There's no need for a bodyguard.”

“There's thirteen photographers in the parking lot,” Kylo said seriously. “And you have already been knocked around enough by them.”

Rey's hand drifted up and ran along the line of stitches that came down the side of her face. “So you think a bodyguard will help? I have things to do that I can't have a bodyguard for. A bodyguard can't go to my classes with me or go to work with me.”

“The bodyguard will be for me,” Kylo said. “But as you are spending increasing amounts of time with me, the bodyguard will also be tasked with protecting you.”

“Kylo.”

“Rey, it's just going to get worse when the book comes out,” Kylo said, spinning around in her embrace. “And that's only six weeks from now. I'm going to go back to being Kylo fucking Ren, and that means a LOT of media attention. There's thirteen photographers now. How many do you want to guess will be there once the book comes out? Because I used to wake up to about fifty of them in front of my apartment in New York.”

Rey stared at him for a moment. “Fifty?”

“Yes,” Kylo said, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her close. “I don't want what happened to you to happen again. So I'm hiring a bodyguard.”

“For you, not for me.”

“Yes, for me, but also for you when you are with me.”

“And how much is that going to cost me?”

Kylo sighed and looked down at her. “Nothing. I'm paying for it.”

“Kylo...”

“Rey, your paycheck for a month's work wouldn't pay for a day of a good bodyguard. You are not paying for any of it.” Rey broke away from Kylo's embrace and walked away, leaving Kylo to trail after her. “Please don't get like this.”

“Like what?” Rey snapped.

“Like I'm trying to make you a kept woman,” Kylo said firmly, causing Rey to spin around and look at him. “Yeah, I overheard that conversation with Finn.”

“I have worked so hard to be a strong, independent woman who can handle things on her own,” Rey started. “And now here you are, and I love you, but you want to take away my independence, and I can't let that happen.”

“I don't want to take away your independence,” Kylo exclaimed. “I just want to help make your life easier because I'm in a position to do so. It is absolutely absurd to me that I get royalty checks every month that are worth more than you've ever made in your life but I'm supposed to let you struggle to get by on your tips. I could give you the world, Rey. I would, if you'd let me.”

“I already live in a house that you own,” Rey said, her voice angry. “I don't have to pay for tuition or my student loans because you took care of that. I know that you're the reason Poe gave us all raises at the café. You want to buy me clothes, you want to buy me a new car, you want to buy me everything. EVERYTHING, KYLO. I can't let you do that.”

“Technically, the house is yours and Finn's. It's in your names,” Kylo said. “You accepted the tuition and student loan payoff as a gift and that's not up for discussion anymore. Poe gave you a raise because he wanted to give you a raise – all I did was invest in his restaurant so he had more cash flow. You agreed to let me buy you a dress, and I want to buy you a new car because the one you have is a piece of junk, and those are your exact words. Yes, I want to buy you everything, but I'm not buying you everything!”

Rey stood there for a few minutes, just staring at Kylo with an open mouth. “You don't understand at all, do you?”

“I understand that I love you and want to make your life easier,” Kylo said softly. “I understand that you want to be equals in every way. But Rey, that's not possible. And it's going to get even worse when the royalties from the book start rolling in. I've already been given a huge advance from the publisher, and I didn't tell you about it because I knew how you'd react.”

Rey turned around and walked into the bedroom, slamming the door behind her. But that didn't matter, because Kylo just opened the door and walked into the room after her. “Leave me alone, Kylo.”

“I don't want to be fighting with you over this,” Kylo said, sighing. “Not again.”

“My life was still my life before you came back!” Rey yelled, angrily pulling clothes out of a drawer. “Now my life is half yours and half the public's and it's no longer mine. I want my life back.”

Kylo felt like he'd been shot in the heart. “What does that mean?” he said after a minute. “Does that mean that you don't...you...” He couldn't even say it.

Rey threw the clothes on the bed and turned towards him. “It means that I need to figure out how I can still be me and still be with you. It does not mean that I don't want to be with you, Kylo. It means I just don't know how I can be.”

Kylo walked towards her and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her into a deep kiss. “Rey, just tell me what I have to do to make you comfortable.”

“That's the thing you don't understand,” Rey said softly. “I don't want you to do anything. I don't want your money, I don't want your fame, and I don't want a fucking bodyguard. I want to be me. I want to figure this out myself.”

Kylo's hand drifted up to Rey's hair, running his fingers through it gently. “I want you to be you too.”

“Then stop trying to buy my affections,” Rey said seriously. “You already have them.”

“Alright,” Kylo said, stepping back. “What can I do then?”

“Give me time,” Rey said, sighing. “And don't get me a bodyguard.”

“I'm getting one for me,” Kylo said firmly. “I don't like all this nonsense either, you know.”

“Fine, get yourself a bodyguard,” Rey said, sitting down on the bed. “Just don't expect me to be happy about it.”

“I'm not happy about it either,” Kylo said, sitting down next to her. “But I think it's necessary.”

Rey slid over and put her head on Kylo's shoulder. “I love you, Kylo. And I'm so proud of everything you've done to earn that money. But I've never known what it's like to not wonder where your next meal is coming from, and it's a transition that I'm having a lot of trouble with.”

“I know,” Kylo said softly. “And the fact that you've never known what that's like is why I want you to know what it's like. I just want to take care of you, Rey. I want you to have the very best.”

“You're the best,” Rey whispered. “The money isn't.”

Kylo went to respond but Rey stood up, collecting the clothes and heading towards the bathroom. “I'm going to be late for class. I'll see you after work.”

The bathroom door slammed shut and Kylo stared at the door for a moment before whispering.

“I love you too.”


	6. starfighter.

“I'm telling you, Kylo. Snap's your man,” Poe said, bringing his cup to his lips to sip at his coffee. “Was on the football team with me in high school, then joined the Marines for six years, and now he works for this security firm out of Topeka. I know for a fact that he doesn't have a job at the moment, and he's dying to come back home. It's a perfect situation.”

Kylo cut into his pancakes with his fork and nodded. “It sounds promising, but what's his experience with a lot of photographers?”

“Well, he did work security for the governor for a year,” Poe said, shrugging. “I suspect there's a lot of photographers around the governor.”

“Hm,” Kylo said, taking a bite and thinking about it for a moment. “Alright, give me his number.”

“You will not regret this, I promise,” Poe said, grinning as he reached for a napkin. “Snap's my best friend and he is awesome.”

“I'm trusting your judgment on this, so I better not regret it,” Kylo laughed. “In all seriousness, if you think that he can handle this, then I believe you.”

Poe scribbled out a number on the napkin and then handed it over to Kylo. “Endor Security. Just request Temmin Wexley. He'll immediately tell you to call him Snap though. Hates being called Temmin.”

“Got it,” Kylo said, cutting another bite out of his pancakes. “So how's my investment doing?”

Poe grinned. “I'm still looking for a space for it, but plans are moving along.”

“Good. And what about the real estate agent?”

Poe blushed. “Nothing.”

“Poe, come on. You told me you wanted to ask her out.”

Poe sighed. “Alright, fine, I'll tell you, but not a word in front of Finn or Rey. They'll be pestering me for months if they find out.”

“Deal.”

Poe grinned. “Her name is Connix. Well, it's Kaydel, really, but she hates being called that, so she prefers just Connix. She's gorgeous, she's intelligent, she makes me laugh, she laughs at my stupid jokes, and we're having dinner on Saturday.”

“Now that's what I wanted to hear,” Kylo said, grinning as he reached for his glass of orange juice. “I sincerely hope it goes well.”

“Me too,” Poe said, leaning back in his chair. “I've got to admit, man, I'm really sick of being alone.”

“I can sympathize,” Kylo said. “Those two years away from Rey were hell.”

“Speaking of Rey, she wasn't very happy with you yesterday,” Poe said. “I tried to ask her how she was doing and she snapped at me badly, which is something she never does. Then one of the customers told her she looked rather unattractive in the photos in the latest edition of _People_ and she nearly threw their food in their face.”

Kylo cringed. “I cannot figure out what to do to make her happy. I can't keep the photographers away, I can't stop Hux from saying utter bullshit, and I can't suddenly make us equals when it comes to money. I don't know what to do.”

“Have you talked to your father about it?”

“My father has left town,” Kylo said seriously. “He had a fight with Mama and now he's gone off on one of his adventures. He'll call eventually, Mama will forgive him for leaving, and he'll return home with a ridiculously expensive gift for Mama that he'll barely be able to afford, and then they'll need my grandparents' help paying their bills for a few months until they're back on track. Apparently this happens a lot.”

Poe just shook his head. “Han is crazy.”

“You've got that right,” Kylo said, laughing. “But I think Mama likes him that way.”

“So what are you going to do about Rey?” Poe asked, causing Kylo to sigh.

“I don't know. I can't buy her something because then she'll complain about the money I spent. I can't take her somewhere because she still hasn't agreed to going to the Seychelles for Spring Break. Tonight is date night but I have no idea what we're doing except probably going to the Cantina because she doesn't want to go to Jakku with me until her stitches come out and her wound is healed, which I can understand. I want to make her happy, and I'm not making her happy, and I'm starting to think that I don't know how to.”

Poe thought about that for a moment. “Well, what's something you guys used to do before you had all this money? Maybe you should do something like that.”

Kylo sat there for a moment before breaking out into a grin. “You're a genius, Poe, you know that?”

“I wouldn't go that far,” Poe laughed. “So I just gave you an idea?”

“You gave me a brilliant idea,” Kylo said, cutting into his pancakes again. “Not a word to her about it.”

“I swear.”

“So, have you given thought to a name for the second location?” Kylo asked, changing the subject. 

“Resistance,” Poe said, grinning. “Resistance Bar and Grille. I'm going to have to swear to Maz I'm not trying to compete with the Cantina, because I'm not, but not everyone in town likes the Cantina, you know? So they might like another place to go.”

“I like it,” Kylo said, eating another bite.

“Good, because you're the co-owner of it,” Poe pointed out. “I'm not going to make decisions without consulting you too.”

Kylo just shook his head. “Make all the decisions you want. I know nothing about the restaurant business, Poe. You're far more qualified to make these decisions than I am.”

“I just don't want you to hate something I decided upon.”

“I won't, trust me,” Kylo said, glancing at his phone. “Shit, I'm going to be late for my appointment with BB-8.”

Kylo stood up and Poe did the same, and they quickly shook hands. “I'll keep you updated on the new location,” Poe said. “And call Snap. Seriously.”

“I will call him in the car,” Kylo said, taking out his wallet and throwing some money down on the table. “Give the change to the waitress.”

Poe laughed. “That's a hundred dollar bill.”

Kylo just grinned. “I know. I'll talk to you later.”


	7. tattooine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the love you show me for this story makes me inspired and overwhelmed. thank you all so much.

Temmin “Snap” Wexley turned out to be exactly the kind of bodyguard Kylo was after. He was entirely serious when it came to his job, but he also had a wicked sense of humor and often made Kylo laugh hysterically in the car after they walked through a group of photographers. 

Kylo was coming down from one of those laughing fits when he glanced around and saw Tatooine Books, and he immediately instructed Snap to pull over. “I need to go to that book store.”

“You just told me we were headed straight home, sir,” Snap said, and Kylo shook his head. 

“None of that sir stuff. Call me Kylo. And I just remembered I need to go to the book store.”

Snap gave him a look that said he wasn't convinced, but dutifully pulled the car into the parking lot and into a spot right in front of the store. They both got out of the car and Snap looked around before letting Kylo go into the store. “I think we've lost them for now.”

“Good,” Kylo said, walking into the store and smiling. Tatooine Books had always been his favorite store, and he quickly spotted the owner putting books into some sort of display. “Hello Kalonia.”

Kalonia turned and gave Kylo a large smile. “Well, well. Look at who it is.”

“It's good to see you,” Kylo said, walking towards her and giving her a hug. “I missed you.”

Kalonia hugged him back. “Not enough to visit me since you've been home. I know how long you've been back in Manhattan, Ben.”

Kylo didn't bother with correcting her. “Well, I'm here now, and I'm hoping you can help me with finding something.”

“What obscure manuscript do you want now?” Kalonia asked, walking behind the counter and stopping next to the computer she had set up there. 

“It's not an obscure manuscript this time,” Kylo said, walking over to the counter, Snap a step behind him. “I want a first edition of both _Lord of the Rings_ and _The Hobbit_. Mint condition if possible, and I'll pay whatever I have to pay for them.”

Kalonia sighed heavily. “Why do you always want the difficult things?”

“This has got to be easier to find than Anglo-Saxon poetry,” Kylo said. “Please, Kalonia. They're a gift for someone special.”

Kalonia smiled at him. “So you've gotten back together with Rey then.”

Kylo grinned at her. “I have indeed.”

“Lucky boy,” Kalonia said. “She's easily the best catch in town. Oh alright, I'll try to find your first editions. They will not be cheap, I'll tell you that much.”

“Not expecting it to be,” Kylo said, reaching for his wallet. “How much do you want for a down payment?”

Kalonia thought about it for a moment. “I know you'll pay me but since I'm going to have to shell out a ton of money to get them for you, let's say five thousand.”

Kylo opened his wallet and pulled out all the money inside of it, quickly counting out fifty hundred dollar bills. “There.”

Kalonia shook her head. “I cannot believe you carry that much money in your wallet. Might I suggest talking to your accountant?”

“I already have,” Kylo said. “And I only have this much money in my wallet because I've been meaning to come here and ask you to do this for me. I don't usually have more than a thousand.”

Kalonia shook her head again. “You have changed, haven't you? Your mother was telling me that you're the same, but you've changed, Ben. Definitely.”

“Kylo,” he said. “My name is Kylo now.”

“Ah yes, I heard about that,” Kalonia said. “I've also heard you've got a book coming out in a month. Can I get you to come in and do a signing session?”

“Absolutely,” Kylo said, grinning. “I'll tell my agent to make sure it's put into my schedule.”

Kalonia smiled. “The town will really like that, I think. And maybe by then I'll have the books you want.”

“Thank you, Kalonia,” Kylo said. 

“You're welcome, Kylo,” Kalonia said.

“Sir,” Snap interjected. “There is a group of young women taking pictures of you with their phones. I suspect your location has already been revealed on twitter.”

“Right,” Kylo said, smiling at Kalonia. “I have to leave. Thank you once again.”

“Don't thank me until I've found them,” Kalonia said. “Now get out of my store before it's swamped with people who aren't customers.”

Kylo nodded and followed Snap out of the door and into the car. “Thanks Snap.”

“You're welcome, sir.”

“Seriously, call me Kylo. I don't like this sir stuff.”

Snap glanced over at him as they arrived at a red light. “Fine, I will call you Kylo.”

“Thank you,” Kylo said, slumping down in his seat. “I'd like to go home now. I have to get ready for date night.”

“Of course, sir. I mean Kylo. That will take some getting used to.”

“That's fine,” Kylo said, looking out the window. “Once I'm home, I'm not planning on leaving, so you can head back to wherever it is you sleep at night.”

“Poe's,” Snap said. “Until I can get an apartment of my own in your building, particularly on your floor.”

Kylo thought about that for a moment. “406 is moving out at the end of the month. It's next door to Luke and pretty much right across the hall from me.”

“Then I am paying a visit to the property manager's office when we arrive at the building,” Snap said.

The rest of the ride to the building was silent, and when Kylo went towards the elevator, Snap followed.

“You do realize that the property manager's office is right there, right?” Kylo asked, pointing across the room. 

“I understand that,” Snap said. “I need to make sure you get to your apartment safely.”

“Seriously?” Kylo asked. “It's a short elevator ride and then about ten steps to my door.”

“You promised to let me do my job, sir. Kylo. This is part of my job.”

Kylo sighed and turned towards the elevator, Snap following him. “I just want you to know that this is ridiculous.”

“So is the fact that there are groups of paparazzi in Manhattan,” Snap said. “But we have to live with this ridiculous scenario.”

“I will agree with you on that.”

The rest of the ride was in silent, and Snap stood there until Kylo was safely in his apartment. Kylo breathed a sigh of relief once he heard Snap walk away. He hated bodyguards, but Snap was easily the nicest one he'd ever had, and the group of photographers they had encountered outside of Starfighter proved that having him was necessary.

Kylo took a deep breath before pushing himself away from the door and heading towards the kitchen. He had about an hour to fix the apartment for his plans, and he just hoped that Rey would like it. He was making a recipe that his mother had taught him back when he was Ben, and he was planning on a candlelight dinner followed by a _Harry Potter_ movie marathon with Call Hall ice cream. Deep down he knew Rey would enjoy it, but he really wanted her to understand that he did it because she was special and he loved her.

Things between them had been awkward ever since the fight two weeks ago, and he was determined to bring things back to normal with this date night. 

Because he loved Rey more than life itself, and he didn't know what he would do without her.

And he certainly wasn't planning on finding out.


	8. date night.

Rey leaned back into Kylo's embrace and smiled. “This is nice.”

Kylo bent down and kissed the top of her head. “I thought you might like a night in.”

“It's not that it's a night in,” Rey said seriously. “It's that this feels normal for us. Not fancy like you've been doing.”

“I'm sorry that you think everything's been too fancy,” Kylo said. “I've just been trying to treat you like you deserve.”

Rey shifted around until she could see Kylo's face. “Fancy makes me uncomfortable. This? This is perfect.”

“I understand why you feel that way,” Kylo said after a moment. “But it seems to me that you want everything as it was before. And Rey, as much as I would like to give you that, I can't. Things are different now. We're different now. It can't be the same.”

Rey rested her head on Kylo's shoulder and sighed. “I know. But it doesn't stop me from wanting it to be.”

“We need to find a way to recapture our rhythm in these new circumstances,” Kylo murmured. “I'm not trying to make you be someone that you're not, but I can't be someone that I'm not either:”

“I guess I need to learn who it is you are then,” Rey said, “Because I'm a hundred percent sure of who I am.”

“You're the same as I remember you, but I would love for us to get to know each other all over again,” Kylo responded. “That doesn't change the fact that I love you though.”

“I love you too,” Rey whispered. “And it's because I know my Ben is still in there. It's just Kylo that I need to get to know.”

“Well, you're right about the old me still being in here,” Kylo laughed. “Kylo Ren would never marathon _Harry Potter_.”

Rey laughed. “No, I suppose that would go against your rock and roll image.”

“An image I desperately want to change with the publication of this book,” Kylo pointed out. “Of course, the book is going to flop so I don't know why I think that.”

“Hey, that book is not going to flop,” Rey admonished. “Don't you dare think that. Your grandfather, perhaps the greatest writer of his age, thinks it's one of the best things he's ever read. That means it's good, Kylo. It means it's really good.”

“I'm just nervous about it,” Kylo murmured. “It's really the first thing I've put myself out there with. First Order was all about the three of us and awful music written by other people. There wasn't anything about me in those songs.”

“There was your guitar and your bass,” Rey pointed out. “There was everything you did on those songs.”

“Yes, but no one knew it was me,” Kylo said. “Everyone is going to know this is me. I mean, for fuck's sake, the back of the book has a recommendation from Darth Vader."

“That's because Anakin wanted the world to know that he approves of your work, even if no one knows that he's your grandfather.”

“I know,” Kylo said, sighing. “I'm just nervous about it. I'm so afraid of the fact that I'm doing this that I've wanted to call the publisher and cancel everything.”

Rey leaned up and kissed Kylo softly. “Don't be so nervous. It's a wonderful book, it's a wonderful series, and it's going to make a wonderful film series as well.”

Kylo laughed slightly. “I cannot believe that they're seriously optioning it around to film studios and that there are some that are interested in it. Like, I seriously cannot believe that.”

“Well, I can,” Rey said, smiling at him. “Better get to work on those scripts.”

“I've never written a script in my life,” Kylo said. “I think someone else is going to have to write them.”

“Bullshit,” Rey said, shaking her head. “This is your world. Only you should write it.”

“I'll think about it,” Kylo murmured, leaning down for another kiss. “Are you staying tonight? Because it's getting late.”

Rey checked her phone and immediately jump off of the sofa. “Shit, I told Finn I'd be home by midnight.”

Kylo checked his phone and saw that it was 4:18am. “Rey, just stay. It's really too late for you to go home.”

“No, you don't understand,” Rey said, shaking her head as she collected her jacket and keys. “I have to go home.”

“You're more than welcome to stay,” Kylo said, his tone confused. “Sunrise is in like two hours.”

Rey walked over to Kylo and gave him a brief kiss. “I'll call you later today, alright?”

Kylo nodded and then Rey walked to the door and out of the apartment, leaving Kylo standing there wondering what in the hell had just happened.

He turned off the DVD player and went into his bedroom, dropping down onto the mattress and texting Rey. _Let me know when you get home._

He didn't get an answer until nearly an hour later. _Home fine. Sorry response is so late. Crisis here._

Kylo frowned at his phone but set it aside and closed his eyes, hoping sleep would come. But it didn't, the abrupt end of their date circling through his mind. 

What did he do wrong? Did he do anything wrong? Was her quick exit something to do with the crisis she'd referred to in the text? 

About an hour later, Kylo got up and headed out to the kitchen, grabbing the bottle of vodka he kept in the freezer before heading over to the sofa. Sitting down, he pulled the top off the bottle and brought it to his lips, letting the alcohol burn his throat on its way down. 

He was terrified about his book. 

He was terrified about Rey not knowing who he was anymore.

He was terrified that everything he wanted, which consisted of Rey and only Rey, was slipping away from him and he didn't know what to do about it.

He really needed another drink.


	9. alcoholic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know this is short, but i had to type it all with one hand since i have a severely sprained wrist that's in a splint which makes typing near impossible. as such, it will probably be several days until the next update. so don't think i've abandoned it. far from it. i just can't type right now.

Luke walked into Starfighter and immediately headed towards where Rey was standing with Finn next to the kitchens. “Hi Finn. Rey, can I talk to you alone please?”

Rey nodded and they walked through the kitchens to the back alley. “What's up, Luke?”

“I was speaking with the family about Kylo earlier, and we all agreed it's time for an intervention, and we want you to be part of it.”

Rey gave him a curious look. “An intervention for what?”

Luke looked incredulous. “Surely you know what I'm talking about.”

“Apparently I don't, so want to fill me in?”

Luke ran his hands over his face and sighed. “Rey, he's an alcoholic.”

“No he's not!” Rey exclaimed. “He just likes to drink.”

“Yes,” Luke said, “by the bottle. I went over to see him this morning because I heard the sound of glass breaking. He was drunk out of his mind and it was 5:45.”

“He was perfectly sober when I left at quarter after four,” Rey murmured. “This isn't the first time you've found him like this, is it?”

“No, it's not,” Luke said seriously. “It's getting more frequent. Your night together ends, you go home, and he hits the bottle.”

“Why hasn't he said anything to me?” Rey asked. “I thought he was enjoying our time together.”

Luke sighed. “Rey, you're holding back. You want to be with Ben, not Kylo. And he notices that, trust me.”

“So you're saying that I'm driving him to drink?” Rey asked, offended.

“No, no,” Luke soothed. “From what I can tell, this goes back to his first days in First Order. According to Hux, Kylo never drank by the glass, but by the bottle. And he's going back to that habit.” 

“You've spoken to Hux?” Rey asked. “I wouldn't believe a word that asshole says.”

“I know he is on this,” Luke said. “Come on, Rey. How many pictures of him did you look at where he had a bottle in his hand or on the table next to him? There's even a bottle of that damn bourbon in his hand on the Starkiller album cover.”

“Luke.”

“I don't know what triggered it, but this morning he was sitting on his sofa just saying 'I can't lose her' over and over.”

Rey stood there for a moment before going to sit on the steps. Luke joined her after a moment, wrapping a comforting arm around her shoulders.

“I told him I have to figure out how to be me and still be with him,” Rey said after a moment. “I told him I didn't know who he was anymore. I said a lot of things that probably have him wondering if this is going to last. But, Luke, the thing is, I don't know if it's going to last. There's so much history between us and we're trying to act like nothing's wrong and everything is the same.”

“Rey,” Luke said softly. “Do you want to know why Mara left?”

Rey turned towards Luke. “You've always said you didn't know.”

“Well, it's more of an educated guess,” Luke murmured. “She left because she wanted something from the relationship that I didn't. Children. She always talked about children. But I didn't see myself as a father. I think that's why she left.”

“If you didn't see yourself as a father, then why did you...”

“Take you in?” Rey nodded and Luke shrugged. “It felt like the right thing to do. I felt like you needed a friend more than a father, and I could do that.”

“I needed a real father,” Rey said. “And you are a great one compared to mine.”

“I think a dog would have been a better father than yours.” Luke laughed. “Seriously though, I think a lot of the uncertainty coming from your relationship is contributing to his drinking problem. He's so afraid of losing you, Rey. He worked so hard to win you back, and he knew you two were going to have to start over. He's trying to show you how he loves you in the only way he knows how, and that's different than it was before.”

“And when did you become an expert on Kylo's inner thoughts?” Rey asked.

“At quarter to six this morning,” Luke said. “He rambles when he's drunk.”

“Yeah, he does,” Rey sighed. “You've really talked to Hux about this?”

“First time Hux came to town the subject came up. I've been trying to keep an eye on him ever since but this is the ninth time in the last three weeks that he's been that drunk that early in the morning. I've talked to Leia and Mom and they're both worried. I'm sure Han would be if he was here. And Dad, well, Dad's just really disappointed.”

“Han took off again?”

“Yup. He's lucky my sister puts up with this bullshit.”

Rey took a deep breath. “Of course I will be part of this intervention. But that's not going to stop me from feeling I'm the cause of it.”

Luke tightened his grip on her shoulders. “This isn't your fault, Rey.”

“But I'm certainly not helping things, am I?” Rey sighed and stood up. “I've got to get back to work. Call me later with the details.”

“Sure,” Luke said, but Rey barely heard him as she walked back into the café. 

Kylo was drinking to excess because of her.

She really didn't know how to feel about that.


	10. convo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright folks, here's the deal. this was written in a combination of voice to text on my iPad and with one hand because my wrist is seriously fucked up. i had to get you guys something though, both to assure you more is coming and to give you an update about my wrist.
> 
> basically, my wrist is very, very badly sprained. it's in a brace that is uncomfortable as fuck, and is essentially completely locked in place. somehow, despite that, i managed to bend it backwards yesterday getting out of a car, went back to my doctor and he said that i probably set back my recovery by one to two months, and my recovery was already at two months at that moment. so i feel like i'm going to be in this brace forever, and if i'm not careful i will be. i can move my fingers but that just makes pain radiate through my wrist, so my right hand is basically useless at the moment. which of course it is, because i'm right handed and that doesn't fuck up my life at all. 
> 
> anyway, once i figure out a way to get you guys a full chapter i will, but until then enjoy this brief conversation. i promise there will be more and this will be finished.

Rey walked into the house, her head still spinning with Luke's words. Kylo was an alcoholic, and despite what Luke said, Rey knew it was all her fault. She made her way to the kitchen and found Jessika sitting at the bar, doing some homework. Jessika had moved in about a month ago, and her presence made Rey smile. "Hey."

Jessika looked up and immediately a look of concern crossed her face. "Rey, you look like shit."

"Feel like it," Rey said. "So much has happened today and all of it is my fault. I just feel awful."

"Finn was texting me earlier about what you were telling him and Poe about Kylo. Rey, it's not all your fault. And I highly doubt you fucked things up with him."

"I basically told him I don't know him anymore. I don't know who he is or what I want from him. I just know that things aren't right," Rey said. "And Luke didn't necessarily say that it's my fault but I know instinctively that it is."

"Oh Rey," Jessika said. "I thought you knew what you were getting into with Kylo. You told me you knew he wasn't the same person as he was before. You had to know things weren't going to be the same. That's what Finn has been trying to get across to you. He thought you knew. He thought you listened."

"I know, I know," Rey said. "And I thought I knew too. But it's become obvious to me that I was just lying to myself. I don't know him. Not anymore. And I don't know if I can love Kylo the way he is. When I say I love him, I mean I love Ben. I'm still in love with Ben. But Ben is gone, and he's not coming back. And I don't know what to do. I can't tell him that."

"I think you're going to have to," Jessika said. "He deserves that."

"If I tell him, he'll probably just drown his sorrows in alcohol. Apparently Luke found him drunk at 5:45 this morning. He was totally sober when I left around four."

Jessika got up and walked around to where Rey was standing, giving her a big hug. “I know it's hard, Rey, especially given the history between you two, but if you don't speak up and tell Kylo now, it's just going to lead to bigger problems later on. And his alcoholism is the first thing that needs to be addressed, and once he's sober, you two need to have a long discussion on who you are and what you want from this relationship. Because if you two are on different planets and want different things, it's better to end it now than have it blow up in your faces later.”

Rey sighed heavily before nodding. “You're right. I need time to think about all of this. It's just like cold water splashed in my face, you know? Or I ran into a brick wall. It's just everything at once.”

“Then take time to think about it,” Jessika said, squeezing Rey around the shoulders. “I know it's your turn to make dinner, but I'll do it tonight. You just go rest for awhile and think about things.”

Rey looked over at Jessika. “Really?”

“Yup,” Jessika said. “Go on.”

Rey gave Jessika a hug before walking out of the kitchen and going upstairs. She really did have a lot to think about.


	11. intervention.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All right this chapter was done via voice to text and picking out letters on my iPad keyboard. I was going to try doing it on my laptop but my laptop is currently broken & in for repair. The wrist is getting better. My doctor now says is actually ahead of schedule so that's good. Hopefully once my laptop is back and I see the movie again since it's coming out so soon on DVD I will be able to finish the story in a relatively quick manner. Honestly I can write a chapter to two chapters a day when I get going so this should finish rather quickly once I am able to type again. Thank you all for being so patient with me during this injury break.

Kylo and Rey walked into Starfighter, and the moment Kylo saw his whole family gathered there, with Finn, Jessika, and Poe to measure, he knew exactly what was going on. "I don't need an intervention."

"We disagree," Leia said, motioning for Kylo to come join her. "Please, come sit."

Kylo looked over at Rey and she squeezed his hand slightly. "At least listen to what everyone has to say."

"This is ridiculous but fine," Kylo said. 

Kylo let go of Rey's hand and went to sit next to his mother, Rey finding a seat inbetween Luke and Finn. Leia looked around to make sure that everyone was settled before reaching out to cover Kylo's hand with hers. 

"Kylo, we are worried about you. You have a habit of drinking entire bottles of alcohol in one sitting, and that's not healthy, son."

"So I like to drink," Kylo said, "what does that matter?"

"It matters a lot," Luke said. "You shouldn't be roaring drunk at five a.m."

Kylo sighed. "Is that what this is about? Honestly, that's just a temporary thing until I get my life sorted out."

"Well, it seems to have been a temporary thing for three years, darling," Leia said. "We are worried."

Kylo just shook his head. "Stuff that happened during the band years doesn't count. That was me being an asshole, not me being me."

"Well, you being you still seems to drink by the bottle," Anakin said, Padmé nodding at his side. "You drink nearly two bottles of wine every time we have a family dinner. Two bottles by yourself."

"That's not true," Kylo said. "Rey drinks from the same bottle as me."

"Yes," Rey said, "but I only have one glass. You have the rest of it."

Kylo turned his attention to her. "I suppose you agree with this. I'm a drunk, huh? If I'm a drunk, then what the hell are you?"

Rey took a deep breath and shook her head. "Don't do this here."

"Why not? With the way you talk to my family, I'm sure they already know, and I'd be shocked if Finn, Jessika, and Poe didn't know."

"Kylo," Rey said seriously. "Not here."

"Then when Rey? Because all I've heard is you need time, you need to be yourself and you can't do that with me. Well, if you can't do that with me, why the fuck are you leading me on? Clearly you don't want to even attempt to adapt to the changes in our relationship. I'm sorry, Rey, but I can't be Ben anymore. Ben's gone and he's not coming back." Kylo took a deep breath and stood up. "You're being so selfish, Rey. You don't get to have everything your way. Excuse me, but I need to be alone."

Kylo stormed out of the restaurant and Leia started to get up to follow him, but Anakin put a hand over hers and stopped her. "Let him go, Leia."

"But he's..."

"He's right," Rey said softly, standing up. "Excuse me."

Rey made her way into the kitchen and out into the back alley, sitting down on the steps. A few moments later, she was joined by Luke, and she just shook her head. "Don't say anything."

"I have to say something," Luke said. "You don't expect me to really not say anything, do you?"

Rey sniffled before turning to look at Luke with tears in her eyes. "He's right. I'm basically refusing to adapt to his life as it is now. I want everything to be the way it was before. I want Ben back, Luke. I just want my Ben back."

Luke reached out and pulled Rey to him, hugging her close. "He's still in there, if you look hard enough. But Kylo's right. Ben is not coming back. If you want to have any sort of relationship with Kylo, then you're going to have to accept that and learn to love who he is now."

"And what if I can't?"

"Then you need to end it before you lead him on anymore," Luke said. "He loves you, Rey. He'd move the stars for you if he could. But if you fight him on everything, then you will never get anywhere. I know you want to be equals, sweetheart, but I think you need to come to terms with the fact that you can't be."

Rey turned her face into the nape of Luke's neck. "I was going to marry him, Luke. He was it."

"He still could be," Luke said softly. "You've got to break the mould you have of him and make a new one. I think you'll be surprised by what you find."

"What if he won't give me the chance?"

"He will," Luke said. "He loves you more than anything."

Rey started sobbing into Luke's shoulder and he just held her there, murmuring soothing words. He had absolutely no idea if they could ever work things out, but he certainly wasn't going to tell Rey that.


	12. outpatient.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it took me all day but I got this chapter done because I needed to get it out of my head and I wanted to give you guys an Easter present even if it's one that is majorly depressing. So perhaps it's a good thing that I didn't really finish it in time for an Easter present. Warning this is very depressing. But it's a part of a backstory that I thought really needed to be told and it moves to a point where I can start to do some of the other things I have in mind. So here it is. I'd say I hope you enjoy it but how can you enjoy something very depressing? Anyways here it is.

Kylo sat in his apartment for three days without talking to anyone. He heard Luke come and go but he never knocked and his phone never rang either. It seemed like for once the family was actually giving him the space he needed to think instead of bombarding him with their opinions.

The first conclusion that he came to was that he was a complete dick. He never should have laid into Rey about all of their personal problems in front of the whole family and their friends, and the first thing he was going to do when he got back was apologize to her.

The second conclusion that he made was that he needed to go back to New York. Not permanently, dear God no, but to finish up his life there. He still had a penthouse apartment that was sitting empty but for all of the stuff he left there when he came home to Kansas. That needed to be cleared out and put on the market. It was just going to make him more of the money Rey hated but that was just too bad. He worked his goddamn ass off for that money, whether anyone realized that or not. He had a few more ties to permanently cut in New York, including Hux and Phasma, because he never wanted to see either of them again. He'd get the publisher to schedule some interviews about the book so no one thought he was just taking off to New York again and he would be home in no time.

The third conclusion that he came to was that he clearly needed something to do besides writing. Luke was always dropping hints about how he could get his old job at Kansas State back but he had no desire to be Professor Kylo Ren and he was definitely not going to be Professor Ben Solo. So when he got back, he was going to talk to Poe about the second location and how he could be more involved or, well, involved at all. He knew jack shit about the restaurant business but surely he could pick out menu designs and hire wait staff or something. Stuff Poe could trust him not to fuck up.

The fourth conclusion he came to had him springing up off the sofa and walking into the kitchen, grabbing every bottle of alcohol in the place and draining them down the sink. Yes, even the nearly thousand dollars a bottle bourbon that he was so fond of went down the drain too. He called Maz's office and left a message asking her not to stock it anymore, and then he called BB-8 and left him a message that was little more than "I'm an alcoholic."

After three and a half days of peace, a knock finally came at the door. He went to the door fully expecting to see Luke on the other side and was shocked into silence when he saw his father standing there instead.

"Your mother tells me you walked out of an intervention after humiliating Rey," Han said, walking into the apartment far enough to grab Kylo's keys. "So I'm not giving you a choice."

Han grabbed Kylo by the elbow and pulled him into the hallway, where Kylo noticed Luke was watching. "I suppose you know all about this."

"It's your own fault," Luke said. "You better remember that when you get where you're going."

"And where is that exactly?" Kylo asked, turning his attention to where Han was finishing up locking the door.

"Surprise," Han said, nodding at Luke before leading Kylo to the elevator. "Your bodyguard is waiting for us."

Kylo got into the elevator when the doors opened, Han following. He pressed the button for the ground level and leaned back against the wall. "Do you even want to hear my plan?"

"If it's anything like your plans of the last three years then no," Han said gruffly. "You have no idea how worried your mother is right now, and that was all I needed to see to know that you are past the point of being trusted with your own decisions."

At those words, Kylo pushed himself off of the wall and grabbed Han's arms to make him pay attention. "This is not like that."

"Sure it's not," Han said. "That's why I came home that afternoon to find you in the bathroom with your wrists slit and about to slit your throat. I know what you're like when you're past the point of no return and trust me we blew by that point about a hundred miles back if what I've been hearing is the truth."

"I'm not trying to drown myself in blood. Not even close."

"No, a sea of alcohol will do that just fine at the moment, won't it?" 

The elevator doors opened and Snap came into view. "Photographers have been cleared from the area, Mr. Solo."

"Thank you, Mr. Wexley," Han said, grabbing Kylo by the elbow and pulling him out of the elevator. "I want this kept as quiet as possible."

"I'm already coordinating on that," Snap said, giving Kylo a brief smile. "Sorry, but your family ambushed me."

"It's all right," Kylo said, even though it really wasn't.

Han led him out of the building and to his car, letting go of Kylo's elbow with a nod towards the passenger seat. "Get in."

Kylo looked up to see Snap and Luke watching him, so he dutifully got into the car. Once they were out of the parking lot, Kylo recognized the direction they were heading. "You're taking me to Mercy aren't you?"

"It's Via Christi now, and yes," Han said, keeping his eyes on the road. "At the very least you need a mental health assessment again. I know you're not on any of your meds anymore."

"And how do you know that?"

"Rey."

Kylo took a deep breath. "Of course."

"When did you stop taking them?"

"When Ben Solo died," Kylo said. "This isn't going to bring him back. I hope you know that."

"Ben Solo, Kylo Ren, a horse's ass. I don't give a damn what you call yourself anymore. I just want you here, happy, and healthy. And right now the only thing you are is here."

"Do we have an appointment?" Kylo asked as Han barely made it through an intersection before the light changed. "Or is this just a show up and see what happens thing?"

"You're lucky I'm taking you somewhere outpatient and not driving you to Wichita," Han said seriously. "You're going in there and being honest. You're bipolar, off your meds, a likely alcoholic, and trying to push away the one good thing that's ever happened to you."

"I am not pushing Rey away," Kylo said firmly. "She is the one leading me on, not the other way around."

"Sure," Han said unsympathetically. "All these years and you've still never learned that the woman is always right?"

"Not always," Kylo said. "Not this time."

"BB-8 does therapy work here every Monday and Wednesday. He's been told you're coming."

"So that's who our appointment is with." Kylo turned to look out the window. "You are not coming into my sessions."

"Have no desire to," Han said. "But I'll be in that waiting room. And once we get a daily routine established, I'll know what time to pick you up and drive you."

"I can drive myself."

"Bullshit. You won't go. I'm making damn sure you do. And that's final."

Kylo sighed heavily. "I really scared you that day, didn't I?"

"Yes you did," Han said softly. "My baby boy, my one and only child, laying there trying to kill himself. You better fucking believe me when I say I was terrified."

"I don't know if it was so much that I wanted to kill myself as it was that I just wanted the pain to stop."

"And that's why you drink now, isn't it?"

Kylo stared out the window for a minute before nodding as they approached the hospital. "Yes it is. A whole different kind of pain, but pain."

Han drove around the parking lot for a moment before pulling into an open spot and turning off the car. "Promise me you will give this a real shot."

"Or what, you'll ground me?"

"Will you please take this seriously?" Han said, looking over at his son.

Kylo shook his head. "I don't have a choice but to, do I, sir?"

"Don't treat me like the lieutenant right now."

"Then don't treat me like the fifteen-year-old you found that day. I am an adult."

"An adult who is making horrendous decisions."

"Yes," Kylo said, making Han fall silent. "I had a plan. It was not this, but I had one. Instead I will do this."

Han reached over and covered Kylo's hand with his, squeezing it tightly. "I'm proud of you, son."

"Maybe someday I'll actually believe that," Kylo said, pulling his hand away and getting out of the car. "Come on, don't want to be late."


	13. a month of therapy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This alternates back and forth and takes place over the course of a month. I hope it makes sense.

"You are awfully quiet today," BB-8 observed. "I know this is difficult but I think what we're talking about is very important."

Rey took a deep breath and tried to focus. "Sorry, I just..."

"You get lost in your thoughts when it comes to the subject of Ben," BB-8 said. "Notice I said Ben there, not Kylo. Before you can begin to contemplate your relationship with Kylo, I think you need to process the end of your relationship with Ben."

"I have processed the end of my relationship with Ben," Rey said, confused. "That's what we've been talking about for the last three years."

"Talking, not processing," BB-8 pointed out. "Rey, you told me not five minutes ago that you wish Ben was still here because everything made sense then. But the fact of the matter is that Ben is gone and he's not coming back. Now tell me what that makes you feel."

Rey sat there quietly for a few moments. "Abandoned. Thrown away like I'm nothing at all. Like I'm worthless."

~*~

"Why did you kill Ben?" BB-8 asked. "Ben Solo was a pretty good guy."

"He was a mess," Kylo murmured. "He was useless, worthless. I couldn't go into the band being Ben. Going into the band was the first risky thing Ben ever did, but to do it, Ben had to die. And I'll be honest with you, killing Ben gave me the greatest feeling I've ever felt."

~*~

"Ben made me feel alive for the first time," Rey said. "And then he just threw me away like I was a piece of trash. I mean, I already knew I was worthless, and I knew that he'd realize one day that I was worthless too."

"And why did you feel worthless if he made you feel alive?"

"Because it was drilled into me as a child. I was the daughter who no one wanted. I think my parents were actually disappointed that I survived my suicide attempt."

~*~

"What made killing Ben so great? I'm not sure I really know how to answer that. I think it's probably because I'd been trying to kill him since I was fifteen."

"That was the time of your suicide attempt, correct?"

"Yes," Kylo said. "Ben was a loser. He wasn't loved, certainly not by me. He had no friends. His nose was always in a book, idolized his grandfather, and wished he didn't have to do anything but lose himself in an old manuscript. His father treated him like a military cadet and his mother treated him like a city employee. There wasn't a lot of love in my house, at least not the kind that I needed."

~*~

"Your suicide attempt was when you were nine. Rey, what made you decide to try and take your life at such a young age?"

"I don't think it was that really. I don't think I was trying to die. I just wanted the world to disappear for awhile because my parents were fighting again and I knew it was only a matter of time before he came into my room and I just wanted to be asleep. So the box said sleeping pills, and I just sort of thought that if I took all of them, it would make me sleep through the whole thing. I really didn't want to be awake for what was going to happen."

"So what you're telling me is that it wasn't really a suicide attempt as much as it was an accident."

"An accident, a mistake, whatever you want to call it. I suppose technically it was a suicide attempt, but I don't think of it that way."

~*~

"So when you got to New York and was suddenly a member of the band called First Order, how long did it take you to realize Ben had to die?"

"Ben died on the plane to New York. I had an email from Snoke asking me if I would mind being called Kylo Ren, Master of the Knights of Ren, and when I read it, it was just like I'd been given the opening that I'd been searching for. Ben Solo wasn't going to be in the band, Kylo Ren was. As soon as Snoke and I were face to face again, he said Ben and I said Kylo, and that was the beginning of it all."

~*~

"Rey, we have touched upon the subject of what your father used to do to you before, but we've never talked about it in depth. Why is that?"

"Because I just want to block it out. I don't want to relive it. The bastard is dead and he can't hurt me again and that's all I care about."

"That's not necessarily the healthiest way to deal with it."

Rey nodded. "I know, but it works for me, so that's the way I want to keep it."

~*~

"Was part of being Kylo going off your meds?"

Kylo laughed. "You can't be in a rock band and all mellowed out on psych meds. It just doesn't work that way."

"But the pain didn't go away, did it?"

"No."

"So you started self-medicating with alcohol."

"Alcohol and cocaine, but I kicked that habit before I came back here and I would appreciate it if no one found out about that part."

"Was it hard to stop the cocaine?"

Kylo thought about it for a moment. "Second hardest thing I've ever had to do."

"What was the first?"

"Leaving Rey that day."

~*~

"Rey, do you blame yourself for Ben leaving?"

Rey let out a sarcastic laugh. "Of course I do. Yet again I wasn't good enough. I was never good enough for my parents, I'm not sure I was or am good enough for Luke, and Ben was so far out of my league that I knew one day he'd realize I wasn't good enough for him too. And that day came, and I lost my Ben forever, because I believe Kylo when he says Ben is never coming back."

~*~

"Was Ben happy with Rey?"

Kylo ran his hands over his face. "Ben was out of his league with Rey. She is so much better than he deserved. The relationship with Rey was a surprise, really. I took the chance to ask her out, and I thought she'd hate me like all the others did. But then she didn't, and I just went along for the ride, falling in love with something other than a book for the first time in my life. But I was always aware of the fact that one day she'd realize what an absolute piece of trash she was wasting her time on, so when the band thing came, I knew I had to leave her behind. And honestly, I think that the moment I sat down on the plane and thought about our last conversation, that was when I finally realized that she was actually in love with me. And that's also why I knew I needed to kill Ben. Because Ben destroyed the one person he loved, the one person who loved him back for who he was. I couldn't live with that."

~*~

"Do you still feel worthless, Rey?"

Rey nodded. "I don't think I know how to feel otherwise. It was practically drilled into my head from birth. I mean, you can only take so many birthdays where your mother says she wishes she'd had an abortion without understanding that you have no worth, no value."

"But you said previously that Ben made you feel alive. Does Kylo do that?"

Rey was silent for a few minutes, and BB-8 let her contemplate it. "Yes," she finally whispered. "But that scares me."

"Why does that scare you?"

"He's not Ben."

"Why do you think Ben is the only person who should make you feel alive? Are you not interested in exploring whether or not Kylo can make you feel alive the way Ben did?"

Rey sighed. "Honestly? I don't have an answer for that."

~*~

"Would you say that you feel more alive as Kylo then you did as Ben?"

Kylo thought about it for moment. "Yes. I don't even know how to expand upon that but yes. I never knew how to feel alive before."

"If you never knew how to feel alive before then what did you feel when you were with Rey?"

"I felt accepted. Like I found somewhere where I belong. But I always knew it wasn't going to last. She was always going to realize that I wasn't good enough for her."

"What if she thought you were good enough for her?"

"I'm not sure I would've believed her."

~*~

"I have a lot of scars. They're not all visible. But somehow being in his presence makes me feel like every single one of them is exposed. With Ben, that wasn't scary. With Kylo, it's terrifying."

"They're the same person," BB–8 said. "Whether he goes by the name of Ben or the name of Kylo, he still the same person."

"No," Rey said, shaking her head. "He's not the same. Not even close."

~*~

"Do you think you deserve her forgiveness? Because you've sort of skirted around that in our sessions. I know she's forgiven you, you've told me she's forgiven you. Do you think you deserve it?"

"No. I don't deserve it. I'll never deserve it."

"Don't you think that the decision of whether or not you deserve it should be left up to her? After all it is her forgiveness to give, not yours to take."

"I suppose it is. But I'll never deserve it, even if she tells me I deserve it. I'll never believe it."

"And why is that Kylo?"

"Because I'm not Ben anymore. She told me she forgave Ben. But Ben's gone. Ben's not coming back. So it doesn't matter that she forgave Ben. I'm Kylo and I don't deserve that forgiveness."

"Even if she says otherwise?"

"Even if she says otherwise."

~*~

"It sounds to me like you're afraid to let yourself feel something for Kylo. Would you say that's accurate?"

Rey ran her hands over her face before looking up. "I'm afraid to let myself feel something for anyone. I still can't come up with an explanation for how Ben and I got so far into a relationship. My only explanation is that it was Ben himself. It was him that got me to feel."

"So without Ben around to make you feel, what did you think was left of you? I only ask because if you shut yourself off from feelings from anyone other than Ben, then we have a bigger problem to work on than just Ben."

"It felt like there was nothing left of me. Absolutely nothing, just like there was absolutely nothing of me before the accident, just like there was absolutely nothing of me when I was a child. I have always been absolutely nothing, and then he came around and made me something."

~*~

"If you think so little of Ben, then who was Ben when he was with Rey?"

"Ben was someone. He felt special in her presence. He'd never felt special before."

"Then why did Ben leave her behind?"

Kylo was silent for a few moments. "Because he didn't want to destroy her, and yet that's exactly what he did. Do you see why Ben couldn't live now? He took the one thing that made him feel special and alive and absolutely destroyed it."

"If Ben hadn't left, do you think he would've destroyed Rey?"

"Yes," Kylo whispered. "Ben destroyed everything after awhile."

~*~

"If Ben hadn't left, what do you think would've happened between you two?"

Rey thought about it for moment. "I would've destroyed it."

"Why do you think that?"

"Because I don't know how to love. And I loved him, don't get me wrong. But my example for love was my parents, and they were not a good example. There were times when we would fight where I would just see myself headed down the same path that they did. When I would argue with him over the most trivial of things just to have an argument because I didn't know how to have a conversation about it. Stuff like that. If he'd stayed with me, I don't know, maybe I could've learned. But he didn't, so none of this matters."

~*~

"Do you love Rey?"

"More than life itself."

~*~

"Do you love Kylo?"

"I don't know."


	14. release day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my laptop's back! i can type without being in tons of pain! updates will be more frequent from now on. thanks for dealing with my injury break.

Kylo woke up on the day his book was released utterly terrified. His first instinct was to go to the kitchen, open up the refrigerator, grab the first bottle of alcohol he saw, and drink the whole thing. But there was no alcohol in his kitchen because he'd poured it all down the drain, and he was starting to regret that he had. 

Then he took a deep breath, got out of bed, went to the kitchen, and took his meds instead. 

A quick look outside showed about fifteen photographers, and he reached for his phone and sent a quick text to his father saying he needed to slip out the back of the apartment building and he'd meet him a couple blocks away. His father trusted that he was telling the truth because they'd done this arrangement before, and Snap was always there to make sure that Kylo made his way to Han safely. 

Han had meant it when he said he was going to be the one taking Kylo to all of his appointments. He'd been the only member of the family that Kylo had had any contact with over the last month, and he wasn't sure that his mother and grandparents were ignoring him or if they'd been instructed by Han to stay away. Even Luke had avoided him. 

And Rey? He hadn't heard from Rey since that day in Starfighter a month ago, and he knew that was entirely his fault. 

His agent hadn't been happy when he'd been told that the planned interviews surrounding the book's release couldn't be done for personal reasons. Kylo had prepared himself for a big showdown because he was indebted to someone again, but his agent had called back an hour later to say the interviews would be rescheduled. Kylo suspected his grandfather had something to do with that, but because he had no contact with his grandfather at the moment, he couldn't be sure of that. 

He made himself a quick breakfast and then headed to the shower, finding himself ready just as Snap knocked on the door. He pulled it open and nodded at him. “Morning Snap.”

“Good morning, Kylo,” Snap said, stepping back as Kylo walked out of his apartment. “Ready for today?”

“No,” Kylo said seriously. “My agent said he'd call me as soon as he got early numbers from the publisher but I'm fucking terrified.”

“I don't think you'll have anything to worry about,” Snap said as Kylo finished locking the door. “I've been told there's a line almost a mile long at Tattooine Books this morning, and I highly doubt it's for the new Admiral Ackbar novel.”

Kylo forced himself to take a deep breath as they walked towards the elevator. “When you see Poe today, get him to tell you how many books he wants and who he wants them signed for and that I'll get them to him later this week.”

“Will do,” Snap said, pressing the button to call the elevator. “I was also approached by a man named Finn who has requested a chance to talk to you. He said to call you an asshole so that you'd know who he was.”

Kylo rolled his eyes as they stepped into the elevator. “I know who Finn is. Yeah, he can come over and talk to me, but not with her.” He didn't have to say who 'her' was. Snap had learned by then not to bring up Rey. “I want her to come to me on her own terms, not his.”

“I'll make sure of it.” Snap leaned against one of the elevator walls and sighed. “I'm becoming less of your bodyguard and more of your personal assistant, you know.”

“I'll give you a raise if that's what you want,” Kylo murmured.

“A raise would be great, but I'm just saying, I don't really know how to do the personal assistant thing. I'm a bodyguard. I'm a Marine. I don't field calls from publicists and agents very well. You might look into getting a personal assistant of your own so I can go back to doing my job.”

Kylo looked over at Snap and sighed. “You're right. I've asked entirely too much of you over the last six weeks and I cannot tell you how much I appreciate the fact that you've done it and not just quit. I'll look into finding someone to be a real personal assistant so you can go back to being just a bodyguard.”

“Thank you,” Snap said, pushing away from the wall when the elevator reached the ground floor. “I just really don't know how to do all this stuff.”

The front doors were to the right so they headed to the left, and soon they were walking out of the building's back door. A couple of photographers had become wise to their plans and started snapping away, so Kylo just grabbed the lapels of his leather jacket and tried to hide behind them while Snap dealt with keeping the photographers back. The photographers followed them for about a block before Kylo decided he'd had enough of their shit. He grabbed his phone from his pocket and texted his father, and about thirty seconds later, Han was pulling up to the curb and Kylo was jumping into the car, leaving Snap to deal with the photographers on his own. 

“Thanks for that,” Kylo said as he got himself buckled in.

“Anytime,” Han said, shaking his head. “You should have wore that stupid mask all the time. That way they'd have had no idea who you are.”

“I can't live behind a mask,” Kylo said. “I know that sounds ridiculous since basically all I've done my whole life is live behind a mask, but I mean a literal one.”

“How are things going with BB-8 then?” Han asked to change the subject. “His receptionist always has lovely things to say about you. Don't be surprised if she asks you to sign a copy of the book for her soon.”

“They're going,” Kylo said, trying to change the subject. “Snap said there's a line almost a mile long leading to Kalonia's book store.”

“I can attest to that,” Han said, turning to smile at him. “Son, your book is going to be a huge success. I just know it.”

“Don't see how you can know it when you've never read it,” Kylo murmured.

“I have read it,” Han said, and Kylo's head whipped around so he was staring at him.

“What? You never told me that.”

“I thought you wouldn't want to know,” Han said. “Not with all of this going on.”

“That's exactly the kind of thing I would want to know right now,” Kylo said, swallowing hard. “Did you like it?”

“I loved it,” Han said firmly. “I wanted the sequel immediately.”

“Well, that's going to be awhile,” Kylo said. “I haven't even started writing it yet.”

“I thought you would have. You've certainly got enough time on your hands.”

“I've been spending a lot of that time with Poe, actually. I'm helping him with the second location.”

“You mean financing the second location,” Han said. “Not that I disapprove of that investment.”

“I'm doing more than financing it. I've been helping pick out paint colors and supervising installation of equipment, stuff like that. Something to do with my time.”

“Instead of writing.”

“Dad, if I were to try to write the sequel today, it would be nothing more than dark poetry and prose. These books are supposed to be fun. Writing isn't fun right now.”

Han brought the car to a stop at a light and looked over at Kylo. “I don't think you're having much fun with anything right now, son.”

Kylo felt himself starting to get choked up and he hated himself for it. “I just wish I knew how she was.”

“She's struggling, just like you are.”

“And how do you know that?”

“She's spoken with both your mother and grandmother.”

“Is that part of the reason I'm being kept away from them?” Kylo found himself asking.

Han sighed as he started driving again. “You're not being kept away from them. They've just chosen to keep their distance. You know how hard it affects your mother when you're going through a period like this, and your grandmother takes it just as hard. Anakin is always going to go along with what Padmé does.”

“And what about Luke?”

“Luke, from what I understand, is just plain busy. He's covering another teacher's classes right now on top of his own so he's got twice the homework to grade, twice the essays to read, twice the tests to create and grade. He hasn't even been over for the weekend dinners.”

Kylo sucked in a deep breath. “I thought I was being kept away from everyone.”

“I should have known you'd think that,” Han said. “If you want to talk to any of them, I suggest a phone call. But don't be surprised if your mother or grandmother starts crying.”

“I won't,” Kylo said, taking another deep breath as Han pulled into the parking lot at BB-8's office. “Will you answer my phone if it rings? The agent is supposed to be calling with some numbers, and I'd rather hear them from you than a voicemail.”

“I can do that,” Han said as he pulled into a parking space and turned the car off. “Son, the book's going to be fine.”

“I'm terrified about the book,” Kylo admitted. “But the book isn't what's worrying me right now.”

“Kylo.”

“Do you think I should call her? Apologize for what happened at the intervention and see if she wants to meet so we can talk?”

“I think you need to work on you a little more before you do that.”

“I've been working on me for over a month. I need to work on us if there's ever going to be an us.”

Han reached over and clamped his hand down on Kylo's shoulder. “You go in there today and work on you. I'll have your mother talk to Rey and see what she thinks, okay?”

Kylo knew that was the best he was going to get so he just nodded his head and opened the car door. “Thanks Dad.”

“Any time, son.”


	15. a talk.

Leia orchestrated a huge family dinner to celebrate the publication of Kylo's book. Instead of Starfighter, Leia rented out a whole room at Jakku, and she sent out specific orders for what everyone was to wear. Gentlemen in suits and ties, ladies is formal dresses. Finn, Jessika, Poe, and Snap were invited to join them, and once Leia found out about Poe's new girlfriend, she demanded that Poe bring her along as well. It sounded like it was going to be a great time.

Except for the fact that Kylo and Rey hadn't seen each other in six weeks and Rey really didn't want that reintroduction to happen in the middle of the fanciest restaurant in town. So on the Saturday that the dinner was supposed to happen, Rey plucked up the courage and headed over to Kylo's apartment, knocking on the door instead of using her key.

Kylo came to the door after a moment, and when he realized it was Rey, he immediately stepped away so she could enter the apartment. “Hi.”

“Hi,” Rey said as she walked past him. “I hope you don't mind me just showing up on your doorstep.”

“No, it's fine,” Kylo said as he shut the door. “I, um, I was looking forward to seeing you tonight so this is a nice surprise.”

“I didn't want this meeting to happen in the middle of Jakku,” Rey said, leaning against the wall. “I thought we owed it to each other to get this done in private so we can be civil at the dinner.”

“You thought we wouldn't be civil to each other?” Kylo asked, shaking his head. “All I was going to do was apologize profusely for what happened at the intervention and say that you were right. I shouldn't have done that in public, and yes, in front of the family and our friends is definitely public.”

“Apology accepted,” Rey murmured before looking up at Kylo. “I need to apologize too.”

“You have nothing to apologize for,” Kylo started, but Rey just shook her head.

“No, I do. You were right. I was being selfish. I was being a bitch, quite frankly. I didn't want to adjust to our new circumstances. I want it to just be the way it was before,” Rey said, smiling sadly. “But that can't happen. It can't be what it was before.”

“I know it can't. Believe me, I wish it could, but I can't go back to being Ben.”

“What was so wrong with Ben, if you don't mind me asking? Ben was pretty amazing, at least to me.”

Kylo sighed and leaned up against the door. “Ben was weak and foolish just like his father. That's part of why I destroyed him. I didn't want to turn into Han.”

“Kylo, Han is a lovely man.”

“And he's a shitty husband and not so great at being a father either,” Kylo said. “I didn't want to be that guy.”

“I thought you and Han have been spending a lot of quality time together,” Rey said, confused. “Leia told me you two were getting along brilliantly.”

“We've been starting to understand each other better over the course of the last six weeks, but still. He walks out on Mama every time they have a serious argument, and trust me, now that I know that's what he does, there's a lot of serious arguments between them. He told me that it was because he has to go back to doing the only thing he knows how to do in order to get his thoughts together and realize that home is pretty damn good. He also told me he was scared to death of being a father and that he's never quite shaken that, despite the fact that I am well past the age of being completely dependent on him for everything.”

Rey reached out and grabbed Kylo's hand, squeezing it. “You're not him.”

“I know I'm not,” Kylo said. “I made damn sure of that.”

Rey let go of his hand and took a deep breath. “It shattered me when you left. And when you came back, I could tell immediately that my Ben wasn't there anymore. But I've never really given Kylo a fair shot. I've always thought I could coax my Ben back out of you, and that's why I wanted everything to be the way it was before. I thought that if you were back in that environment, Ben might reemerge. I understand now that it's not going to happen and that if I want to have any sort of relationship with you, I need to accept that you're now Kylo. But I'll be totally honest with you. I'm not there yet.”

Kylo swallowed hard. “So what are you saying?”

“I'm saying you're in love with me but I'm not in love with you,” Rey said despite the pain that she felt saying it. “I don't know you anymore. I want to give you a chance, Kylo. I really do. But I think I need to rediscover who I am first. I can't love you if I don't love myself, as BB-8 often tells me, and right now, I don't love myself. I haven't loved myself in a long time, to be honest.”

“Rey...”

“My father sexually abused me,” Rey said quickly, cutting Kylo off. “I've never told anyone but BB-8 that, but I think you have the right to know. It's why I'm so ashamed of my sex life. It's why I freak out if people think I'm having sex when I'm not. It's why the only person I've ever had sex with is you. The only person I ever want to have sex with is you. You're everything I need in that area, and I'm fairly certain that hasn't changed like everything else has.”

Kylo pushed himself away from the door and reached for Rey, pulling her in an embrace. “Oh Rey, why didn't you just tell me? I mean, I understand why, but, I would have done so much differently if I'd known.”

“See, that's the thing. I don't want you to have done things differently. You did them perfectly. You didn't judge me when I freaked out on you during the what, fifteen attempts at having sex that we had before we finally did it? And if we ever have sex again, which I hope we do, I don't want anything to be different.” Rey looked up at him and smiled. “See? I'm planning on having that type of relationship with you. I really do think we can get through all of this. It's just me.”

“It's not just you,” Kylo said, resting his forehead against hers. “Rey, there's so much that I could be doing better. I'm trying, really trying, to get to a better place. Not just for me, but for you too. You deserve me as healthy as I can be, not when my mood swings are ranging from nothing has ever been this great to I want to drink all the alcohol in the world to forget everything.”

“Leia said you're back on your meds,” Rey said softly. “I was so happy to hear that. I, um, I'm on some medication now. I'm trying to be in a better place too.”

“Then maybe when we're both in better places, we can have dinner?”

Rey laughed. “Kylo Ren, are you asking me on a date?”

“Maybe,” Kylo said, grinning at her. “Well? Don't leave me hanging here.”

“Is there an expiration date on this dinner date?”

“No. Totally open-ended.”

“Then yes, I will have dinner with you. But not until we both are in better places.”

“Deal.”

“You know Leia's going to try to make us sit next to each other at dinner, right?”

“Of course she is. My mother loves to meddle.”

“Is that going to be a problem?”

“No,” Kylo said, shaking his head. “I think we can be perfectly civil to one another. After all, we did promise to remain friends no matter what happened between us.”

“That we did,” Rey said, taking a deep breath. “One more thing before I leave.”

“What?” Kylo asked.

“This,” Rey said, launching herself forward and capturing Kylo's lips in a deep kiss. Kylo immediately reacted to it, kissing her back just as fiercely as she was kissing him. They stayed that way until Rey had to break away to gasp for air, and then she grinned at him. “That was a promise of things to come.”

Kylo sucked in a deep breath. “That was a pretty damn good promise. Maybe we should promise again, just to make sure it sticks.”

Rey laughed but let Kylo draw her closer, the kiss this time coming in slow and steady, the kind that made her heart thrum with feeling. When they pulled apart this time, they smiled at each other, before coming together again, this time just for a hug.

“I promise, Kylo,” Rey said, her voice slightly muffled by his shoulder. “I will give this a fair chance. You deserve that.”

“And I promise, Rey, that I will be a better person for you. You deserve that.”

Rey pulled back and let go of Kylo. “Then I guess I'll see you at dinner tonight.”

“I guess so,” Kylo said, reaching for the doorknob and opening the door for her. “I look forward to seeing you all dressed up.”

“Well, I am wearing the dress that you bought for me to wear to Jakku, so at least it's getting it's original purpose.”

“I can't wait to see it.”

Rey stepped outside of the apartment and turned to face Kylo. “I'll call you. We'll talk. But nothing more than that until we're both ready.”

“Deal,” Kylo said, and then Rey turned and walked away. He shut the door behind him and slid down to the floor, leaning up against it. 

They had a promise to each other. Now it was up to him to keep his end of it up.


	16. jakku.

Dinner was awkward, to say the least. Every time his grandmother or mother looked at him, Kylo saw the unshed tears in their eyes. Every time his grandfather spoke, it was about the book and nothing else. Finn, Jessika, Snap, Poe, and Poe's new girlfriend Connix kept the conversation to themselves, leaving Kylo and Rey to talk to each other.

Not that he minded talking to Rey, but he felt that they'd done all the talking earlier that day.

“We should make an announcement or something,” Rey said towards the end of the dinner. “Something to let them know what we've decided.”

“I think that should be just between you and me, don't you?” Kylo asked.

“They're going to keep doing this until we tell them,” Rey pointed out. “This is not going to be the end of it.”

Kylo nodded. “You're right about that. But what should we say?”

“You're the writer,” Rey said. “You come up with something.”

Kylo sighed heavily but nodded, and then he thought about things. Eventually he stood up, drawing everyone's attention to him. “I have something that I'd like to say.”

Everyone quieted down and Kylo could feel his heart racing. He took a couple of deep breaths to calm himself down, and then he started to talk. “I know the real purpose of this dinner was to bring Rey and I back together, and nothing you say, Mama, will change the fact that I know that.”

Leia shook her head. “I did want to celebrate your book, but yes, that was the point.”

“I want to tell everyone here to stop trying to bring me and Rey back together. We've talked, we've decided what path we're on, and it's something that only the two of us can do. We're not ready to be in a relationship with one another, and until we are, we're not going to be. 

“Rey and I have always been friends first, and that's what we are right now. Friends. But we both have places we want to get to so that we can be fair and honest with each other when we do enter into a relationship again. And I'll be honest with all of you. We're not there yet. 

“So while I appreciate the fact that you all want me and Rey to be together, I'm going to have to ask you all to stop meddling in our business. I'm pretty sure that everyone at this table knows what we're both dealing with at the moment, and none of you can change our abilities to process what it is we need to process. Every time you meddle, you just end up making things worse. Thank you.”

Kylo sat down and Rey put a hand on his shoulder. “Well said.”

“You think?”

“Absolutely.”

“Thank you.”

Everyone at the table was staring at them, so Rey took her hand off Kylo's shoulder and turned to face everyone. “What he said. He said it better than I ever could. Now, let's celebrate Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith. Has everybody read it yet?”

And with that, a discussion about Kylo's book broke out, everyone talking about various different parts that they'd liked the most. Connix politely asked Kylo if he'd mind autographing a book for her father, and he agreed, and then asked everyone what they thought of the ending. 

“Oh, it was heartbreaking reading about Hayden and Natalie,” Padmé said. “And for Hayden to be so changed that Natalie didn't know him anymore, and then my heart just broke when it came to Natalie's death and knowing that he didn't know about his children.”

“What is Count Ouder supposed to mean anyway?” Poe chimed in. “I mean, I love that because he turned to the dark side he gets a different name, but Ouder? What is that?”

“Ouder is Dutch,” Kylo said. “It means father or parent.”

Poe burst out laughing. “That's awesome.”

The conversation continued throughout dessert and a few more glasses of wine, and then everyone was standing up and thanking Leia for such a wonderful evening and slowly filing out of the room. When it was just Leia and Kylo left, Leia walked around the table and gave him a big hug. 

“I'm sorry for meddling.”

“No you're not,” Kylo said, laughing. “I knew you were going to from the moment you announced this dinner. But it's alright. Rey and I understand where we're at and what we need to do.”

“I'm glad to hear that, sweetheart,” Leia said, linking her arm around Kylo's wrist as they began to walk out of the room. “Han tells me you're doing better. I hope you understand why it is that I've stayed away.”

“I know it's hard for you when I'm like this,” Kylo said softly. “But I really need my mother right now.”

“Well, I'm here,” Leia said. “I'm not going to stay away anymore. In fact, I told Han that I'll trade off with him when it comes to taking you to appointments. I should be doing that. I'm your mother.”

“You don't have to if you don't want to. I don't want you to feel obligated to do something you don't want to do.”

Leia stopped them and turned to face Kylo. “I want to do it. I feel like I should have done so much more. I should have known you needed help the moment you turned back up in Manhattan but I didn't. And I feel terrible for that.”

“Don't, Mama,” Kylo said. “Don't feel terrible. This was all my choice, my mess. I wasn't ready yet. Hell, I'm not sure I was ready now but I am doing it.”

“Let me come to New York with you,” Leia said. “I can explore the city while you're doing your interviews and I can watch proudly as you autograph books. Plus I can help you clean out the old apartment and get it ready to be on the market.”

Kylo stood there for a moment, staring at the eager look on his mother's face, before sighing heavily. “Alright. But only you.”

“Your grandmother wants to come too,” Leia said. “The work in your apartment will get done so much faster if we're both there helping you.”

Kylo sighed again. “Fine, you and Grandma and no one else.”

Leia grinned. “That's my boy. Now, we should catch up to your father before he wonders what's happened to us.”

Kylo let his mother lead him through the restaurant, wondering what on earth he'd just agreed to. His mother and his grandmother and him, all taking the trip to New York together. He really needed to rethink everything he planned to do in New York now that they were coming, because he didn't want Hux or Phasma anywhere near them, and part of going to New York was to cut ties with those two forever.

Yeah, he had a lot of rethinking to do.


	17. penthouse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's taken so long to get this chapter to you. had a bit of writer's block. i continue to be blown away by the response this universe is getting from all of you and thank you all very much! if you are lurking, feel free to come out and tell me what you think! feedback feeds my imagination. :)

“I have no idea how he lived like this,” Leia said, looking around at the absolute mess that surrounded her. “I mean, I get the whole rockstar has to live in a penthouse thing, but this is a disaster.”

Padmé walked up to her and nodded. “No wonder he kept trying to keep us from coming over here,” she said. “If we hadn't demanded the keys this morning, I think Kylo might have managed to keep us away for the whole trip.”

Leia sighed and walked into the kitchen, opening up cupboards to look for cleaning supplies. “He told me he had a maid. That was one terrible maid.”

Padmé grabbed the trash bag out of the trash can in the kitchen and went back into the living room, beginning to pick things up and throw them out. “Something tells me he fired the maid before it ended up like this.”

Leia came back into the room with several different cleaning supplies. “At least he has all of this stuff, or we would be headed for the nearest store.”

Padmé looked up at her and nodded. “Hopefully we can make a real dent into this before he gets back from his interviews. He did say he'd meet us here, didn't he?”

“That's what he said,” Leia confirmed. “Of course, I wouldn't be surprised if he stayed away long enough to make sure that he doesn't have to come here.”

Padmé clicked her tongue in disappointment. “I'm worried about him, Leia. I think this trip might actually set him back instead of help him move on.”

“I know exactly what you mean, Mama,” Leia said, pulling on some cleaning gloves and reaching for a bottle. “But at some point we have to start trusting him again, and Han thinks that he's there.”

“Thank God Han came back when he did,” Padmé said. “I don't think any of us would have gotten through to him the way that Han did.”

“Dad might have,” Leia murmured. “But you're right. Han was the right person to get through to him. As soon as I told him about the intervention, he said he knew exactly what to do. I'm more surprised that Kylo went along with it than I am by what Han made him do.”

They worked in the living room, trading quiet chat back and forth, until the door to the penthouse opened about an hour later. Leia glanced at her watch, certain that Kylo's interviews wouldn't be done by then, but then voices drifted in from the entry and she got a thunderous look on her face.

“Are you sure he's not going to mind?”

“Come on, the only way we're ever going to get near him is to wait here for him.”

“When did you get a key for this place anyway?”

“Stole it from him, of course.”

“You're such an evil genius and I love you for it.”

The two people rounded the corner to find Leia and Padmé standing there glaring at them, and their eyes widened. “Holy shit, who are you?”

“General Hux,” Leia said bitterly, “and Captain Phasma.”

“Yeah,” Hux said as Phasma wrapped an arm around his waist. “What maid service are you with? And since when does Kylo have maids again?”

“We're not maids,” Leia snapped. “I am Leia, Kylo's mother, and this is my mother, Padmé.”

“Oh hey!” Phasma said, grinning. “Kylo mentioned you two on _Good Morning America_ this morning, said you had come to New York with him. We weren't expecting you to be here.”

“He did?” Hux asked, looking over at Phasma. “I don't remember that.”

“That's because you were stoned,” Phasma said, letting go of Hux and walking forward. “It's like seriously weird to meet you. Kylo never talked about you two at all.”

Leia and Padmé exchanged glances as Phasma held out her hand before begrudgingly shaking it. “Kylo hasn't said much about you two either.”

“That doesn't surprise me,” Phasma said, waving for Hux to come forward. “Come, General, let's sit and wait while they clean.”

“Oh no,” Padmé said, shaking her head. “You either pitch in and help or get the fuck out.”

Hux and Phasma exchanged a look. “You do know who we are, right?” he asked.

“I know exactly who you are,” Padmé said. “The conditions for you staying still stand.”

Hux laughed as he collapsed down on to the sofa. “Phasma, we don't have to listen to Grandma over here.”

“You better,” Leia warned, and Padmé laughed. 

“General Hux,” Padmé said, walking over to where he was sitting and pinching his ear incredibly hard. “You obviously lack proper authority in your life. Now you listen to me and you listen good, boy. Either help or leave. Those are your choices.”

“Captain! Help me out!” Hux reached up and rubbed at his now-sore ear.

Phasma laughed from across the room. “You don't really want to piss off Kylo's grandma do you? Because something tells me that's a very bad idea. Besides, I want to see him.” 

Hux stared at her as she started picking stuff up off the coffee table. “I want to see him too. That doesn't turn me into a maid.”

“General, something tells me that before you were the General, you had to clean up after yourself.”

“Yeah, after myself, not after Ben Solo.”

Leia paused at that. “You know his real name?”

“Of course,” Hux said. “Snoke sold us on this bassist from Kansas named Ben Solo, and then when he got here, he decided to become Kylo Ren, which to be honest is a far better name.”

“You think I didn't know what to name my own son?” Leia's voice was cold and clipped.

“Fuck. No, that's not what I meant,” Hux said, trying to backtrack quickly. “I just meant for the band. General Hux, Captain Phasma, and Ben Solo. It wouldn't have worked.”

“General, come help me,” Phasma said, and Hux forced himself up off the sofa and went over to her.

“Only because you asked nicely. Ren better pay us for this.”

“I highly doubt that's going to happen,” Padmé said. “Besides, you have enough money, don't you?”

“Tons of it,” Phasma said. “General just spends it like an idiot.”

“Oh yeah, because one of a kind handmade Italian leather sofas are a good investment.”

“Are you saying that you don't like my sofa, General? Because you certainly enjoy stripping off and having fun on it.”

“Not at all, Captain. Just that it's not what I would have spent my money on.”

Leia just rolled her eyes. “How about I put on some music and we work quietly?”

Padmé grinned at her. “That's a brilliant idea.”

Two hours later, Kylo walked into his penthouse apartment to find his mother, his grandmother, Hux, and Phasma all cleaning and singing along to old Jedi Order songs. “What the fuck is going on?”

Leia turned around and smiled at him. “We're cleaning, darling.”

“Why are they here?” Kylo asked, pointing at Hux and Phasma.

“They showed up, we said either they helped clean or they left, and they chose to stay and clean,” Padmé said, walking over to him. “Not a word to them, but they're terrible cleaners. Leia and I have been redoing practically everything they've done.”

“That doesn't surprise me,” Kylo murmured softly. “Hux, Phasma, a word please.”

“What's up, Ren?” Hux said, him and Phasma following Kylo to the bedroom. “We weren't expecting for you to have brought the whole family along.”

“This is far from the whole family,” Kylo said, shaking his head. “Why are you two here? Did I not make myself clear enough yesterday?”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, you never want to see or speak to us again, blah, blah, blah,” Hux said, shaking his head. “You have to understand how that's not possible.”

“No, I really don't.”

“Kylo, we've been through too much together to just abandon each other,” Phasma said. “I mean, who else is going to know exactly what I mean when I say Stuttgart?”

“That fucking idiot,” Kylo said, motioning towards Hux. “I'm serious. I don't want anything to do with either of you ever again.”

“Well, that's just too bad,” Hux said. “Palpatine, our new manager, he just booked us for a show at Kansas State.”

Kylo's eyes narrowed. “What?”

“We were hoping we could talk you into coming on stage for a couple of songs,” Phasma said, sighing. “Look, the new kid isn't working out. Album sales are down, ticket sales are down, and Palpatine is worried that the band is sinking and sinking fast. We thought maybe if we could prove that the band still has your approval that it might help keep us afloat.”

“No,” Kylo said, shaking his head. “I am never getting on stage as a member of First Order ever again. No way.”

“We'll leave you alone after it,” Phasma said quickly before Hux could respond. “A clean break. You never hear from us again.”

Kylo sighed heavily. “Phasma...”

“I know it's not what you want to do, but you're the one who told us we could go on without you. You can't be that mad at us for asking for a little bit of your help,” Phasma said. “We'll even sell your book at the merchandise tables. At every concert of the tour, not just the Kansas one. Come on, Kylo. Please?”

“Fucking get with it,” Hux said. “You're a part of First Order whether you want to be or not.”

Kylo stared at both of them for a few moments. “Text me the date and I will think about it.”

Phasma smiled. “See, that wasn't that hard?”

“The only, and I mean the only, reason I might possibly do this is to get the two of you out of my life forever.”

“That's fine with me,” Phasma said. “Come on, General, let's leave Kylo and his family alone.”

Kylo watched as they walked out of the room, hearing them call out a goodbye to Leia and Padmé a few moments later. He sat down on his bed and ran his hands through his hair, angrily pulling at it. He didn't want to get on stage with them ever again. But, if he wanted them gone forever, he just might have to.

“Kylo?” He looked up and saw Leia standing there, her hair up in a messy bun, cleaning gloves still on. “Do you want to come help? Or at least come tell us how the interviews went?”

“In a minute,” Kylo said, and Leia nodded, leaving him alone again. 

Kylo sighed and laid back on the bed, running his hands over his face. He already did regret it, but he really, really regretted ever joining First Order. That band was determined to fuck up his life even more than it already had, and Kylo had no one to blame but himself.


	18. songwriting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> still with the writer's block, so sorry this is so short and probably doesn't advance the story at all. it's all my brain was willing to give up at this point.
> 
> also, for anyone wondering, this series is a trilogy. so getting kylo and rey back together is going to be a slow burn.

Luke walked into his apartment to find Kylo sitting on his sofa, C-3PO in his hands, playing a melody that sounded random but he knew most likely wasn't. “I didn't know you knew how to get in here.”

“Rey told me where you keep the spare key,” Kylo said, reaching towards the coffee table and scribbling out a few notes on some lined paper. “I didn't think you'd mind.”

“I don't,” Luke said, slinging his bag down on the kitchen counter and opening up the refrigerator. “Beer?”

“Doing the whole sobriety thing,” Kylo said without looking up. “So just water for me.”

Luke grabbed himself a beer and got a glass of water for Kylo, then made his way into the living room. He set the glass down near Kylo before collapsing into an armchair. “So what's the song?”

Kylo took a deep breath and went back to playing the guitar, the notes arranging into a melody that Luke knew he'd never heard before. “I don't know yet.”

“But something has you writing a song,” Luke said. “Last I knew you hadn't written a song since you were in First Order.”

“I haven't,” Kylo murmured. “I might be going on stage with them again.”

Luke nearly dropped his beer. “What?”

“Phasma tried to make a deal with me. I appear on stage with them and play a few songs when they come here on tour and I will never hear from them again.”

“And you were stupid enough to agree to it?”

“I didn't say I agreed to it,” Kylo said, reaching up to run a hand through his hair. “I told you I _might_ be. I haven't decided yet.”

“So you might be getting on stage with them again and that's the reason for the song?”

“No,” Kylo said, shaking his head. “There is no fucking way that First Order is getting their hands on this. It's just that in the midst of thinking about getting back on stage with them this song came to me. I left C-3PO here last time we played, so I let myself in and before I knew it I was writing here instead of in my place.”

“So what's the song?”

Kylo swallowed hard. “I'm not entirely sure yet. But it's for Rey.”

“I thought you two...”

“We're not,” Kylo said firmly. “We're not going to be until she's ready. There is no way I'm going to pressure her into anything. But that doesn't mean that I can't write her a song.”

“Is it a love song?” Luke asked, taking a long sip from his beer. “Because she might not react well to that.”

“It is but it isn't,” Kylo said, reaching out to scribble down some words. “It's got a super silly title at the moment, but I'm starting to think that the super silly title fits it.”

“Want to tell me what it is?” Luke asked.

“Space Pirate's Love Song,” Kylo said, laughing. “But like, it's not a love song about how I love Rey. It's a love song from a space pirate to the universe around him. It kind of goes along with the whole space opera books thing.”

“But you're writing it for Rey.”

“I used to write songs for Rey all the time,” Kylo said. “It's not that big of a deal.”

“I know all about the songs you used to write for her,” Luke said. “I think you underestimate how big of a deal that is.”

Kylo finally looked up at Luke. “She told you about those?”

“Are you kidding me? She treasured each and every one of them. She was terrified for a long time that she'd turn on the radio some day and hear First Order performing one of them.”

“I never would have let them touch any of those.”

“I know, and she knows that now. But she was very scared that you would have. No one knew what to expect from you then.”

Kylo sighed heavily and leaned back on the sofa. “God, I really fucked up my life, didn't I?”

“I think you did what you felt you had to do,” Luke said seriously. “Everyone knew you were miserable working at K-State. Rey's admitted to me that she was lying to herself about how happy you were at home. Honestly, Leia and I were waiting for your breaking point, and it came. But this time you ran off and joined a band instead of slitting your wrists in a bathtub. You broke a lot of things when you made that decision, and a lot of them were parts of yourself.”

“And a lot of them were pieces of Rey,” Kylo said, taking a deep breath. “To be perfectly honest with you, we weren't in a healthy relationship back then. We kept a lot of secrets from each other. And we've talked about those now, so that when we do restart our relationship it can be healthy. I don't want to go through all of this again. I want to love her for the rest of my life, and the only way that's going to happen is if I'm always honest with her.”

“I'm glad you recognize that now,” Luke said. “God, if I could go back and do things with Mara over again, I'd do so many things differently. So, so many things.”

“Where do you think she went?” Kylo asked quietly.

“Paris,” Luke said. “She always wanted to go to Paris. I was planning on taking her that summer. But I obviously waited too late.”

“Why do you think she's never come back?”

“She may have,” Luke said, shrugging. “It's not that small of a town. It's very likely that she could be living and working here and I'd have no idea.”

Kylo shook his head. “Mama was mayor, Luke. If Mara was here, she would know about it.”

“Good point,” Luke said. “Leia would know and she wouldn't keep that from me.”

“So why haven't you ever moved on?”

“Because I still love Mara,” Luke said. “The same way you still love Rey. The difference is that you actually have a chance to get her back.”

“Mara could still come back someday,” Kylo said softly. 

“It's been seventeen years,” Luke said, shaking his head. “She's not coming back.”

Kylo watched as Luke drained the rest of his beer and headed to the refrigerator for another. “Do you want me to leave?”

“Nope,” Luke said, shaking his head. “I want to hear this Space Pirate's Love Song.”

Kylo laughed, reaching for C-3PO. “Do you want to get R2 out? I could use some lead guitar to help the song come together.”

“Now you're talking,” Luke said, heading into his bedroom. “We are going to end up performing this at the Cantina aren't we?”

“Of course. Where else would we be playing it?” Kylo asked. “We need some more Luke Skywalker originals to play too.”

“Then I guess we better get to work!” Luke called out.


	19. palpatine.

Rey walked up to a table and plastered a smile onto her face. “Welcome to Starfighter. What can I start you off with?”

“A smile that's more genuine than that,” said the man sitting there. “I would expect more from Kylo Ren's girlfriend.”

Rey bit back the smart remark that wanted to escape her lips. “Who I spend my time with has nothing to do with what I can start you off with? Water, iced tea, we have Pepsi products.”

“What I need from you, my dear, is something other than food or a drink,” the man said, holding out his hand. “Sheev Palpatine. I'm First Order's manager.”

“I have nothing to do with First Order,” Rey said seriously.

“Yes, but you do have something to do with Kylo Ren, and I'm in need of your assistance,” Palpatine said, waving to the chair across from him. “Please, Rey, sit down and hear me out.”

Rey stared at him for a moment before looking around until she spotted Poe. “Let me go make sure that's alright with my manager.”

“Of course,” Palpatine said.

Rey walked over to Poe and gave him an alarmed look. “Poe, that guy is First Order's manager and he wants to talk to me about Kylo and I don't know what to do.”

Poe glanced over at him before turning back to Rey. “Talk to him. Find out what he wants. And when your conversation is over, go out back and call Kylo and let him know what just happened. I'd say ignore him but something tells me that's a bad idea.”

“Right. That's a good plan. Poe? This is a good plan, right?”

“It's the only plan I can think of so yes, it's a good plan,” Poe said, putting his hands on her shoulders. “You want out at any time, just say I've given you a signal to get back to work.”

Rey nodded and made her way back over to Palpatine's table, sitting down across from him. “What can I possibly help you with, Mr. Palpatine?”

“The good Captain made a deal with Kylo Ren a good three months ago about an on-stage appearance at the band's concert here at Kansas State, and yet, the concert is tomorrow and we still have no word on whether or not he'll be making his appearance. The only thing that we've been asked to do is not sell his books at the merchandise table, which I find to be ridiculous. He'd be selling many more copies of that trash if it was available to the fans.”

Rey took a deep breath and said a silent thank you to Kylo for having talked to her about this already. “Mr. Palpatine, Kylo's book currently sits atop the New York Times' Best Sellers List. He doesn't need his book at your band's merchandise tables to sell more copies. As for whether or not he'll be making an appearance on stage tomorrow night, I'm afraid I have no answer for you. He hasn't discussed it with me.”

“He hasn't discussed such an important issue with his own girlfriend?” Palpatine asked. “I find that very hard to believe.”

“It might be an important issue to you,” Rey said. “But it definitely is not an important issue to him. Now if you'll excuse me, my boss is signaling for me to get back to work.”

Rey stood up and walked into the kitchen, leaning up against the wall as soon as she was inside. She took several deep breaths before pushing herself away and heading out into the alley, fishing her phone out from her apron and finding Kylo's name in her contacts. 

Before she could connect the call, Poe stuck his head out the door. “Rey? He just walked in here and he's sitting down with Palpatine now.”

Rey nodded and put her phone away, walking back inside and out into the restaurant. She made eye contact with Kylo just as she heard Palpatine say he'd been talking to her, and she let a small laugh out when Kylo rolled his eyes. 

Rey busied herself with other tables as Kylo and Palpatine talked, stealing glances in their direction every chance she got. Eventually the two men stood up and shook hands, and Kylo walked into the kitchen while Palpatine walked out of the restaurant. She caught Poe's eye and he motioned for her to follow Kylo, so she handed her order book to him as she walked by and headed through the kitchen and into the alley. Kylo was sitting on the steps when she got there, so she sat down next to him and waited for him to talk. 

“I'm going to do it,” he eventually said, looking over at her. “I didn't decide until this morning. BB-8 and I, we went through a huge list of pros and cons. And, well, the pros outweighed the cons.”

“May I ask what the pros are? Because to me, there's a whole lot of cons,” Rey said. 

Kylo nodded. “Mainly it came down to three things. One, it's an opportunity to get Hux and Phasma out of my life.”

“They are never going to actually stay out of your life, you do realize that right?”

“You are probably right but there's a chance that they could be serious about it and it's a chance I have to take.”

“Understood. What's number two?”

“Number two is that I don't want something I put so much work and effort and time into to fail just because I'm not part of it. And I know that sounds weird, but First Order is sort of like my book. It's something that I created and desperately wanted to succeed. And even though it wasn't just me the way the book is, I'm always going to be one-third of First Order and BB-8 is helping me take some pride in that the way I never used to.”

Rey thought about that for a moment before nodding. “I can understand that. What's number three?”

“Number three is that no one I care about has ever seen me perform on a stage like that before. And so part of my deal with the band is that I get to let as many people as I want into the VIP area in front of the stage,” Kylo said. “I was hoping that you might be one of them.”

“I would love to,” Rey said, smiling softly. “Is the whole family coming?”

“Yep,” Kylo said, laughing. “I think there's probably about ten billion places Maz would rather be than at this concert, but she's agreed to go for me.”

“Maz is going?” Rey laughed. “How did you manage that one?”

“I have no idea. I just asked her and she said yes.”

“So you talked to everyone about this earlier today then?”

“It sort of happened in the order I ran into people. Mama was first because she was the one who drove me today, and then Dad next because we went by the house and he was there, and so on and so forth. The reason I showed up here is because I was coming to ask you, Poe, and Finn. I didn't know if you were working so I went by the house first and talked to Jessika about it, and she was excited about going.”

“I'm glad everyone has been so receptive to the idea,” Rey said, reaching out to gently touch him on the leg. “How have things been going?”

“They've been going,” Kylo said, putting a hand on top of where Rey's rested on his leg. “Some days are easier than others. But I do think I'm making progress, and that's the important thing. What about you?”

“I've got to admit that I've been having a lot of bad days,” Rey said. “BB-8 convinced me that it was important to actually process what happened to me when I was a kid, and while it's making me want to drink myself into oblivion, he's probably right when he says that I need to process this. So my life pretty much sucks at the moment.”

Kylo reached out an arm and wrapped it around Rey's shoulders. “I know it's hard, but I think it'll be worth it in the end.”

“Yeah, you're probably right,” Rey said, putting her head on Kylo's shoulder. “Palpatine thought I was still your girlfriend.”

“Do you really want to do the whole public breakup then reconciliation thing? Because I think that would be worse than just laying low and letting the world still think we're together.”

“Good point.” Rey let out a long sigh. “Is it weird that there's a part of me that really likes the fact that I'm Kylo Ren's girlfriend and that means breaking the hearts of a lot of girls around the world?”

“No,” Kylo said, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. “I believe that's called feeling special.”

“There's nothing special about me.”

“Rey, you're the most special thing in the world to me. It pains me to hear you say that about yourself.”

“Something else to work on then,” Rey murmured. “I'll add it to the list of ten thousand other things that are wrong and need to be dealt with.”

“Oh, your list is only ten thousand things?” Kylo said jokingly. “Mine's seventy-five thousand.”

Rey laughed. “Do you ever sometimes think that we're so fucked up that we're perfect for each other?”

“I think we're just perfect for each other,” Kylo said seriously. “I don't think it has anything to do with the fact that we're both fucked up.”

“Maybe you're right,” Rey said softly. “Maybe we both are.”

“So long as we agree that we're perfect for each other, that's all that matters to me.”

Rey smiled. “Agreed. Now, tell me more details about what's happening tomorrow night.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i did not make up palpatine's first name. it is never referenced in the movies but can be found in the still-canon novel _tarkin_ by james lucerno. it's apparently on page 93 should anyone want to look it up. i have the ebook but have not read it yet, and i got the info about it being in the book from wiki.


	20. concert.

An hour into the First Order concert, Hux and Phasma stopped the music and turned their attention to the crowd. “How about we go a little old school for a little while?” Hux asked the crowd, who predictably screamed. 

“For that,” Hux said next, “we don't need just a Knight of Ren. We need the Master of the Knights of Ren.”

Then the crowd really went wild, and Leia reached out and took Rey's hand. 

“I can't believe I'm about to see my baby boy do this,” she shouted over the crowd.

Rey smiled at her. “Me neither!” she shouted back.

“Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome back to the stage the lousy motherfucker known as Kylo Ren!” Hux yelled into the microphone, and the collective Skywalker family and their friends all stood up and cheered as the replacement Knight of Ren walked off stage and Kylo came on.

The crowd was louder than it had been at any point during the night, and Padmé was fairly certain she wouldn't be able to hear for a week, but she leaned over to Anakin and kissed his cheek. “Look at our little Ben, Ani.”

“Our little Kylo, you mean,” Anakin said back, grinning up at the stage.

Luke watched as Kylo strapped on his guitar, a huge grin crossing his face when he realized it was C-3PO. Kylo may have gone back to the band for this one-off appearance, but the fact that he was using the family heirloom instead of one of the twenty or so guitars he'd had shipped to Manhattan from New York told Luke that Kylo recognized the real importance of the occasion, and that was the family getting to see him perform.

Han stood in between Luke and Leia, beaming proudly. He knew that Kylo still didn't believe him, but he really was so, so proud to have him as a son. He made a mental note to tell him that again as soon as the concert was over.

Kylo waved to the crowd and stepped up to a microphone. “How's everyone tonight here in Manhattan?”

The crowd screamed even louder, something Rey didn't think was possible.

“Well, I'm here to have a good time, so General, Captain, let's get to it.”

The backing drummer started a countdown and then the band launched into Starkiller, the title track from their biggest selling album. Hux's vocals were still little more than shouting into a microphone, but Rey didn't care. For her, there was no one else on stage but Kylo. She heard every note he played because in the days when he was still in the band, she'd memorized every note that he'd played on every song. She'd loved Ben Solo, but she'd become infatuated with Kylo Ren. Not even Finn knew the extent to which she had followed Kylo's career, had learned every lyric and every note. Someday she'd have to confess all that to Kylo, but that was for another time. 

Kylo concentrated on playing the right notes, soon realizing that his fear of having forgotten them was just that, a fear. His fingers glided over the guitar as though it had been two days, not almost two years, since he'd last played on a stage like this. He glanced down at the front row of the VIP section to see all his friends and family standing up and dancing along. Even Maz was tapping a foot along to the beat. It made Kylo want to burst out laughing, but he didn't. Maz would never admit to having done it either. 

Finn had both his arms wrapped around Jessika's waist and they were swaying to an entirely different beat than the one the band was playing. Poe had an arm around Connix's shoulders, neither of them pretending that they didn't know every word. His parents were doing a typically dorky parental dance, and his grandparents weren't much better. Luke was merely bobbing his head to the music, his eyes trained on Kylo. Kylo knew without asking that Luke was checking for missed notes like a good teacher.

But the majority of his attention was focused on Rey. She had a huge grin on her face, and her dancing was considerably better than anyone else's. She jumped when the song required it, she swayed when the song required it, and she did it all while she was staring at him. He knew that she'd been wary of him doing this, knew that deep down she was afraid that doing this half-hour of a show would make him catch the bug again and leave, but Kylo never had any doubt that that wouldn't happen. First Order was his past, and this was the last time he was ever going to share a stage with Hux and Phasma. 

Rey was his future, and the only stage he wanted her to see him on from there on out was the tiny one in Maz's Cantina. 

They went from song to song to song before bringing the music to a halt for a small break. Hux stayed at the microphone and reached for a bottle of water, taking a quick drink before looking across the stage at Kylo. “So, Kylo Ren, how the hell have you been?”

“Good,” Kylo said, grinning out at the crowd. “Missed this, but I've been good.”

“Well, you know, if you miss it that much...” Hux started, but Kylo was immediately shaking his head. 

“I'm an author now, General. My days with First Order are through,” Kylo said. “I never got to say goodbye to the fans, so that's why I'm doing this tonight.”

“Well it's a fucking good thing we're filming this for a DVD release then isn't it?” Hux asked, and the crowd went wild. “What? Haven't I mentioned that yet?”

“I believe that is a negative, General,” Kylo said, smiling down at his family and friends. “But I'm glad that you are, because this is a very special night for me and my family. First time they've ever seen me perform on a stage this big!”

The crowd screamed again, and Kylo's eyes locked with Rey's. They both broke out into huge grins and just stared at each other for a moment. 

“So I noticed that the fiesty girlfriend is in the audience tonight sitting next to dear old Mom. You going to make the girlfriend a permanent member of the family?”

Kylo's head whipped around until he had Hux in his sights. Hux was laughing, and it took all of Kylo's self-control not to march over there and strangle him. The crowd was somewhat hushed, and Kylo knew that there were millions upon millions of girls around the world who were practically hanging on his answer. So he did the only thing he could think of, and answered it honestly.

“Not yet, but I will someday.” Hux just laughed and Kylo turned his attention back to Rey. “I know that makes a lot of girls unhappy, but what can I say? She understands me like no one else can.”

Kylo stared at Rey for another moment before turning back to Hux. “So I guess that just means there are more women out there for you, General. Of course, a certain Captain obviously would have something to say about that.”

Kylo knew damn well that Hux and Phasma hadn't made their relationship public yet. He didn't care. 

“What the fuck, Ren?” Hux yelled into the microphone as the crowd quieted down even more.

“Call it revenge for Russian GQ,” Kylo said, before turning back towards Phasma. “Captain? What do you say to a couple more songs before you and the General can go find a hotel room?”

Phasma walked up to the microphone in between them, flipped Kylo two middle fingers, and then started to play the first notes of Finalizer. 

Kylo let his eyes drift back to Rey, and even though he wasn't entirely certain how, she was definitely smiling even wider than she had before. He played the last two songs out, said goodbye to the crowd, and jogged off stage.

The concert continued on for another forty-five minutes plus an encore of about twenty minutes, and then everyone in the venue started to make for the exits. Kylo's family and friends stayed where they were, and as soon as the venue had cleared, Kylo came walking out onto the stage holding his guitar case in one hand and rubbing his left eye with the other. He jumped down off the stage and climbed over a metal barricade to get to everyone, setting the guitar case down.

“So, what did everyone think?” he asked, still rubbing at his eye. 

Rey walked up to him and pulled his hand away from his eye, gasping when she saw the swelling and bruise that had already formed. “What the hell happened to you?”

“Phasma,” Kylo said. “Hux is too much of a pussy to punch me himself, so he had Phasma do it.”

“Revenge for what you said on the stage?” Rey asked, and Kylo nodded. “That was absolutely brilliant revenge for Russian GQ though.”

“Does someone want to fill the rest of us in on what Russian GQ means?” Leia asked.

“Remember when the photographers hurt Rey?” Kylo asked, and everyone nodded. “That happened because of Russian GQ, and quite frankly, the less said about that the better.”

“Agreed,” Rey said, pulling Kylo into a big hug. “You were wonderful up there.”

“Yes, darling, you were spectacular,” Leia said, coming up to hug him too. “I'm so proud of you. We all are.”

“Sure,” Kylo said meekly, but Han stepped forward and grabbed Kylo's chin, forcing him to look at him. 

“We are all beyond proud of you, Kylo. And we mean every word of it.”

Tears started to form in Kylo's eyes but he blinked them away quickly. “What about you Maz? Enjoy anything about it?”

“I will always enjoy watching you play, boy,” Maz said, smiling at him. “But I will also be glad that I never have to hear that awful band again.”

Kylo laughed. “Me too, Maz. Me too.”

“Is anyone hungry?” Poe asked. “I can go open up Starfighter. We can have a post-performance snack or something.”

“That sounds great,” Padmé said, linking her hand with Anakin's. 

“Yes, that would be great, Poe,” Anakin echoed, and soon everyone was agreeing. 

“Then let's go!” Poe declared, and they all started to file out of the VIP section and head for the exits.

Rey hung back with Kylo until everyone else had left, and then she pulled him into another hug. “We haven't heard the last of Hux and Phasma, have we?”

“I don't know,” Kylo said seriously. “The punch was a pretty good indicator of how they feel about me right now.”

“They'll be over it the next time they need you for something,” Rey said, picking up the guitar case. “The band really is in a lot of trouble.”

Kylo slung an arm around Rey's shoulders as they started to walk towards the exit. “You know what, Rey? I don't care. I honest to God legitimately don't care. This was the final chapter of my time in First Order, and I can think of no better way to end it than with you finally seeing me up on that stage. I always wished you could see, and now you have.”

Rey wrapped her free arm around Kylo's waist. “It was pretty cool, seeing my boyfriend up on stage like that.”

“Your boyfriend, huh?”

“Well, you did just announce to the world that you want to marry me, so boyfriend. Besides, the whole world thinks that's what you are anyway.”

“Good point. Rey?”

“What?”

“You look beautiful tonight.”

Rey blushed. “You look pretty damn handsome yourself. Enough.”

“Enough?”

“Enough.”

“Okay,” Kylo said, looking up when Leia yelled his name. “Better catch up with the family or they'll start thinking they need to meddle again.”

Rey groaned. “No meddling, please. We're not ready yet.”

“I know. But one day we will be.”

“Do you think we can keep that day a secret for as long as possible?” Rey laughed.

Kylo laughed in return. “I think Mama and Grandma will have it figured out in less than twenty-four hours.”

“You're probably right.”

“I know I'm right,” Kylo said, picking up the pace. “Now let's go get this Starfighter thing over as quickly as possible. I've got an appointment with BB-8 at eight-thirty tomorrow morning.”

“Post concert session?”

“Yep. Figured I'd need one, and boy, was I right about that.”

Rey turned to look at him. “It's all going to be okay, isn't it? This didn't set you back, did it?”

“No, no, nothing like that. Just a whole bunch of really surreal things that I need to process. I promise you, this didn't set me back.” Kylo leaned over and pressed a kiss to Rey's forehead. “We are still on our regularly scheduled programming.”

Rey shoved him. “Dork.”

“You love me for it,” Kylo said, laughing.

“Yeah,” Rey said, “I do. Now let's catch up before Leia really does start to meddle again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, with that, space pirate's love song has come to an end. but do not fret, for a third and final story of this trilogy is coming soon, probably next week. so stay tuned!

**Author's Note:**

> So I self-published a book! It's a YA fantasy story and if you want to get it (it's cheap!) then [go here!](http://www.amazon.com/Aetherion-Rising-Adelia-Chamberlain-ebook/dp/B00FUT7UF4/) Do you want to read the first two parts free? [Go here!](https://www.wattpad.com/story/44126937-aetherion-rising/parts)


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